Hope dies last
by TinyLitleDragon
Summary: Bella is trying to deal with the sudden death of her boyfriend. Whilst Edward tries to help her, he falls in love with her. The rules are set, though. Will Bella find her happy ending after all she have been through? Will it include Edward?
1. First step

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Nor any of the character. I know - It surprised me too..._

_This was beta-ed by lovely CheekyC - THANK YOU!_

**Chapter One: **First step

"_While there's life, there's hope."_

_Marcus Tullius Cicero_

**BPOV**

_Here I am! Yapi yai!_

I think ironically as I sit in a waiting room. For whom am I waiting for? My shrink.

_As if my life couldn't suck any less. . . _

"Angie, you can send the next client into the office now." Says a voice coming from the speakerphone.

Angela is my shrink's assistant, I assume. She doesn't answer however. _Weird_. She just winks at me, which takes me aback. And then she starts waving at me and pointing to the door. My eyes were now the size of tennis balls, I could feel it.

I am really trying here though, but I don't know what's going on. Does she want me to go inside? _Is she dumb?_

Whilst standing up from my chair I catch my reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall. I looked like . . . like what? Trash? Homeless? Or more appropriate – hopeless?

_Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you!_

But I kind of feel proud about it. I haven't managed to look the same as I felt in a long time. I'd always wanted to master that.

Yeah, I am a weirdo. That's why I'm going to see my shrink now; isn't it?

_No. That is not the reason._

I take a few steps and then open the door.

_The sky! _That's all I take in. I see only orange-pink. The color is flooding through the giant window. It's consuming every other color stupid enough to think it will overpower it. Wait a minute . . . it's not even a window. Wall of glass would be a more appropriate description. _Is it bullet proof? _I wonder. Maybe I could bring a rock next time and test my thought. Just to give it a try. I then start laughing at my own silly joke; how said.

Anyway. _Where is my shrink?_

With that thought I was thrown back into reality. He's sitting in a leather chair; his back towards me. Blocking the best part of the beautiful view. Admiring it himself from the first row.

_You selfish bastard! _But I can't take it ill from him.

"I would totally do that every day, and never get enough." I say comprehensively; at the same moment surprised by my sudden sincerity.

I see the turning of the chair.

Blue eyes consume the sunset.

"Oh, I am sorry. I totally spaced out." Says the blue eyes.

_What? _Eyes don't speak. But fuck . . . I can't see anything else. Just the blue eyes . . . blue, blue, blue, blue. Blue like . . . just like fucking swimming pool _blue _eyes.

"Are they even legal?" I ask.

_What the fuck? _Not only was that totally inappropriate, but cheesy as hell as well.

"Excuse me?" The eyes are speaking to me again. Oh yeah. Nice job honey. At the rate you're going he will definitely send you to the mental house straight away.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I guess I spaced out too . . .?" _I am soo going to the mental house. . . _

"What would you say to starting all over again?" Finally the lips are talking; now they're smirking.

"Yeah, that would be nice." I respond.

"I am Edward Cullen. And you must be Isabella Swan?" He asks as he reaches his hand out to me.

"Yep. Please call me Bella, Mr. Cullen." I shake his hand and silently follow the line of his muscles. There is hardly much room left for imagination. The t-shirt fits him perfectly.

He is at least a head taller than me. Has dark brown hair with a touch of read. A little shaggy. Hint of blush in his cheeks. And blue eyes . . . I melt a little bit.

"As you wish Bella. But remember you can call me Edward instead of Mr. Cullen. Whichever is more comfortable for you is okay with me." Blue eyes say and interrupts my flow of thoughts. I node stiffly.

_I see, I am dumb too._

"So Bella, please sit wherever you feel to, and tell me how I can help."

I nestle myself on the sofa. Panic is washing over me. Panic. My best friend every time reality, or so called _life_, is brought to my attention. I play with the hem of my shirt. Realizing how interesting the floor can be.

What do I say?

My shrink answers my unspoken question.

"Let me ask you a question." I nod; my eyes glued to the floor.

"What do you expect from me? What are you looking for? What's your goal?"

"That's more than one question." I tell the floor bitterly.

"Feel free to pick one." He says with a hint of a smile.

I lift my head up and speak to the blue eyes.

"I want you to fix me, to change me." He is watching me warily.

"I don't have a magic wand like Harry Potter to charm you, though I wish I did. . . You are the only one who can change yourself. I can lead you. I can show you the ways. I can show you different viewpoints. But you, and _only you_, can be the one to actually do things, to act, to change yourself. You are the one responsible for your own happiness. Nobody can do it for you, because nobody can, if _you _don't participate. The sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be for you."

Well, that was _nice_. Grrrh. I wonder whether somebody had jumped from that wall/window before. I wouldn't be surprised actually.

"And don't give me that look; I didn't make you come here. If you are not willing to be active, I won't waste my time with you." I watch, wide eyed, as blue eyes is speaking. My eyes pop out of my head.

"Fuck you!" I spat at him.

_Oh fuck, did I? I did._

"I am sorry. I didn't mean that." I speak to the floor . . . again. I am afraid we will be on first name terms as well.

"I don't mind, not really. I would like you to be completely honest with me. I want you to discard your brain filter, or whatever you call it, the minute you cross my doorstep. As you can see, or hear, I am honest with you as well. And there is no worse thing than to lie to me. Otherwise this whole thing would be pointless and a waste of your money and my time." I watch him, still wide eyed. Adding an opened mouth to my psychotic appearance for a while. I compose myself after a while. But all I master is- "okay."

"So, will you be willing to actively contribute to our sessions?" He asks me with a smirk playing on his lips.

_WTF is with this shrink?_

"Yes, I will." I say bitterly.

"Then tell me, whom do I owe the pleasure of meeting you?"

_Do all shrinks have split-half personalities?_

My mind takes me to the answer of his question as well. To the deal breaker. My mom. And suddenly it is all happening again.

_I am in the bathroom; looking at the pills in my hand. So many. So colorful. Though I can't appreciate the sight too much. I can't see well through the waterfall of my tears. But I could see enough. Enough to know that the amount would be able to stop the pain. The pain that was killing me slowly anyway. Day by day I am dying. So why couldn't I quicken the process, push it a little but so as the pain would fade sooner. Seconds after, my mom's screaming makes its way into my consciousness. _

"_Bella! Don't do that! Pleaaaase?"_

_I can hear the desperate struggling for air in between her crying and shouting at me. I feel sorry for her. But soon the feeling is gone. I am doing this for me. I am cold again._

"_Don't do that to me! You can deal with it! I promise!"_

_All the noises are accompanied by loud banging on the door. I am a bit annoyed. Dying in the middle of this? I would have appreciated a less disturbing environment. She is not strong enough to break through. It will soon be over. Calm washes all over me instantly. Soon. Over._

_That feeling doesn't last long though._

_In the next second she has broken through the door with a hammer in her hand. Damn it. I hadn't thought about that. She sees me. The hammer is falling from her hand. It breaks the tiles as it makes contact. Seconds after she is standing in front of me. Crushing my lungs by hugging me so tightly._

"_Until your heart stops beating Bella, I'll be here, fighting for you."_

_She looks up into my eyes. Her eyes are red. She is not angry. I am surprised. There is only determination. The look of a mother fighting for the life of her child. It breaks another piece of my already broken heart. I didn't expect there to be another part of me that wasn't already broken from his death._

_I drop the pills. Defeated. I squeeze her tightly. I am like a child terrified from the midnight storm. Trying to become one body with her again. But I am a grown up now. I know it's not an option._

"_I will go to therapy." I whisper._

_I curl myself up in her embrace. She let me. I listen to her heartbeat. She plays with my hair. I am silently crying. She is singing my lullaby._

_Broken on a bathroom floor. Listening to her soft voice. I was a child again. Protected by my mother's love. Love so strong that it gave me life . . . for the second time._

"My mom." I answer and tell him the story.

His blue eyes turn glassy. I don't notice that. I am desperately avoiding his gaze while speaking. I finish. He takes some time to steady his voice. I don't notice that either.

"You see. That's what I mean. I don't want you to be here because you want your mother to be happy. I want you to be here because _you _want to be happy. You owe yourself at least that much."

I knew what he meant. In that bathroom, it was my mom fighting my own battle. For me. Instead of me. She was fighting my war though she knew that it would not be enough to win. That it would not end without my help. Without my willingness to fight for myself.

"I do." I say. "I do want to be happy again. Or at least I want to not feel miserable all the time."

His expression change. A huge smile spreads through his face.

"It will be my pleasure to help you with that." Smiling blue eyes say. I am glad.

"In the time we have left today, I would like us to work on our treaty."

"Treaty?" I ask. "Like contract?"

"Yes." He says with that smirk again. "So we both know what the aim of our sessions are, and most important, how we will know we gained that goal."

"That sounds good."

"Okay. So you said you want to be happy and don't want to feel miserable. How would you do that? What will be the signs of the fact that you're happy and not feeling miserable all the time?"

_Here it goes again. _Nobody told me it would be hard like this. It's our first session. Shouldn't it be like the first day at school? Light and easy? Get to know each other? My life hates me. So I guess the answer would be _no_!

"Let me think. . ." I demand. How would I know? I just would. How's that for a question. People just know when they do not feel miserable. Don't they? I do. I wake up in the morning, and the first through is - just let me die.

And so I got the answer.

"In the morning, when I wake up, I would smile. I would look forward to the day. I would not be terrified of what the day would bring. I would not feel pain. I would not feel the hole in me."

_It was not so hard after all._

"Great, that's good. I can work with that." But suddenly his smile falls.

"There is one last thing that you have to promise me though. You told me you tried to kill yourself. I need you to make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe. You have to promise me you will not try to do that again." He looks at me expectantly.

"I won't." I say like a child caught stealing candy from the cupboard.

"I need you to promise me that, out loud and sincerely." He says authoritatively. I look up into his eyes.

"I won't try to commit suicide again while I am attending your sessions." I promise those deep blue eyes. He watched me warily. As if I could lie to them. Ever.

As if reading my thoughts his expression softens. A little smile appears on his face again.

"I'll do everything I can, but I would appreciate a little help from you. I know it seems rough for the first session, but I want to be honest with you. As I said earlier I do treasure my time too much to waste it for somebody wanting my help anyway. But I am satisfied with today's flow, so I am looking forward to meeting you again." He asked my hand.

"Please make sure Angela gives you the date and time of our next appointment."

I see only the back of his leather chair again. The same view as when I stepped in here an hour earlier. But there was a difference. The night had fallen down upon the sky.

"Oh. Okay, see you." I say perplexed. I leave my first session. The same but different. Hope has found its way to my life again. Though I don't know yet.

~8~8~**~8~8~

**EPOV**

(Next day)

"I wish you a lovely day. Edward Cullen speaking." I say cheerfully.

"Oh." Says somebody with . . . a sigh? I play my part thoroughly.

"With whom do I have the honor of speaking to?" I ask with a chuckle.

"Are you always like this? Because if you want to keep me alive, you are not helping me with that attitude, _at all_!" The voice speaks bitterly. I can't resist and start laughing. The voice doesn't.

"Isn't that Miss Swan speaking? I am sorry, but I hardly believe my good mood will ruin your day. But I appreciate the fact that you are not using your mouth filter even while calling!"

I laugh again. I know it isn't professional of me, but I just can't help myself. I can't get rid of that smile. Can't get rid of the good mood. If only she knew it was because of her.

"I am sorry Bella, I will behave. I promise. Is there a reason or problem for which you are calling?" She sighs again.

"Yes, when I left the other day, I forgot to make the appointment."

"Yes, Angie left early that day. But we can solve that in a minute, let me see. . ." I scan my calendar.

I want to see her in the sunset light again. She was so beautiful. Her brown hair was literally shining. She had some color in her face from that light too. If only she could look a little healthier. Not so skinny. Not so lifeless. I bet she looked stunning before. . . And the eyes. So deep. I could swim in them.

But the sunset makes her happier too. Or less miserable. At least I got that feeling. So it won't be purely selfish after all. I shake my head in disbelief.

_What am I? Five?_

"What about next week, same time?" I offer.

"That sounds good for me." She says.

"Great. Try to think about at least one thing you can do to feel at least a tiny little bit less miserable. Can you do that?"

I hear a loud sigh, _again_, and . . . nothing?

_Is she nodding?_

"Bella you do know that I can't see you, right?" I chuckle. It is just stronger than me.

"Yeah, I do. Yeah, I can give it a try Mr. Cullen. Bye." Without waiting for a response, she just hangs up.

All of my clients did have a problem with the way I am. So honest. So straight forward. Not working with them with white gloves on. But everyone admitted at last that it was much more beneficial, than harming after all . . .


	2. Love and memories

Disclaimer: _I do not own Twilight. Nor any of the character. I know - It surprised me too..._

_This is beta-ed by CheekyC - THANK YOU for your work and time!_

_**Explanati**__**on: **In story I use the term "_**_black Peter_**_". It refers to a game where each player takes turns offering his cards face-down to the person on his left. That person selects a card and sees if the selected card makes a pair with their original cards. If so, the pair is discarded face up. The object of the game is to continue to take cards, discarding pairs, until all players except one have no cards. That one player will be left with the lone unmatchable card; they are "stuck with the black Peter" and lose. The game is also called "_**_Old maid"._**

**_

* * *

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**Chapter Two: **Love and Memories

"**If there is any substitute for love, it is memory."**

**Joseph Brodsky**

**BPOV**

I come home and there she is; my mom a.k.a. the power of love. She is the best. As if being a mother is her only purpose on this world. And she truly mastered that personal goal.

My mom moved in with me after the bathroom breakdown. I didn't argue. I just slept.

_Sleep._

The best thing that exists in my world; in my life. I just close my eyes and I'm kind of dead. Amazing. I feel nothing. No pain. No emptiness. Just pure and simple nothing. Fascinating.

I know I'm lucky for the way my brain works differently. Differently from others in a similar situation. I can't imagine dreaming about him. Having nightmares. I do know that. But I know . . . I _knew_ I wasn't living anyway. My happiest moment was when I was asleep. When I disappeared into unconsciousness. And that is everything _but _living. It brought me to crave death more and more every time I woke up.

Conditions have changed though. Killing myself is not an option anymore. _Thanks Ed. _But sleep is. _Thank god!_

I lay down in my bed. Close my eyes. And let myself die.

I sleep for several days.

"Get up and clean your bed." Somebody says.

"Now!" My blankets are gone.

_What is happening?_

Bright light is trying to kill my eyes.

"Heeey, what is going on?" I say dreamily. Annoyed. Though still rejecting to lift my eyelids.

"New regime is enthroned! You know how it goes- there are two ways. You will do it voluntarily, or by force. The main point remains- both of them will lead you to the same place."

I open my eyes. Reluctantly. I can't believe what I hear. And see.

"Mom?" I ask perplexed. My voice pleading for reassurance.

"I let you have your time Bella, it led you nowhere. Esme times are coming and you will do as I tell you. Angry Bella I can deal with. I can deal with the screaming and crying Bella as well. But apathy will bring you nowhere love, now it is time for you to finally do something."

_Why does everybody want me to do something so suddenly?_

I don't know. But I know what power of Esme is capable of, once she decides. I am taking the voluntary way.

I won't lie. The regime has pros. Any wish. Any idea. Any thought my mom is able to fulfill- she is on! She has only one rule though. Make everything something that might bring Bella to do something. Sounds amazing, right?

_Not really?_

There is _no _rule involving the fact that the activity should make you feel good too. Yeah. _When something sounds too good to be true, it's usually not._

I'm watching a movie with her. Sipping my soda. Looking around for my missing sock. I always manage to lose one. During the day. Whilst actually wearing it!

_Mystery of my life._

I give up. I look at the screen. Some guy is trying to glue little yellow stars on the ceiling.

"I always wanted to paint my ceiling blue." I say casually.

Peripherally, I see my mom's head turn. She says nothing. Three seconds later she is clapping her hands. Jumping up and down on the sofa.

_I am totally screwed._

I roll my eyes. I look at her and see no exit. If bottled up, her excitement could fulfill the entire world's need of caffeine. Five minutes later I am sitting in the car. Destination: hardware store.

Mom I driving my red truck. Or demolition car- as I call it more appropriately. That's why I used the pills. I was too afraid I would survive any car "accident" in this car. And I wasn't so self centric to use my parent's. We are not a very rich family.

_No money, but lots of love. Love I am missing. I miss him. My heart aches._

A couple of minutes pass and I am standing behind the shop counter. My hand filled with painting samples. _And I am screwed yet again. _Hundreds of different shades of blue. I shake my head in disbelief. The more you have to choose from, the harder it is to decide. Luckily, I spot the deeper shade of the color of his eyes. The decision is made.

We are packing up all my stuff in my room. Moving the furniture. Covering the rest of the things that can't be moved by one and half women. My mom doesn't count me as a whole person. She says she will, as soon as I gain five pounds.

_Yeah, not going to happen._

I am doing all the painting. I had wished so. Mom was happy to let me. She provides beverage. Esme regime is "all inclusive".

I am really glad she is here. I love her.

I finish painting. I am satisfied with my work. I want to paint the walls too. I find mom. She doesn't let me finish the sentence. She is almost running. I look around. The car is fired up; she is sitting inside. I shake my head.

We are in the same shop. Behind the same counter. Picking the same blue. I browse through the colors. We pick forest green too. We get home and I tell her my plan. She doesn't argue. She is happy. I paint. Some walls are blue. Some walls are green. Sounds disturbing. Looks amazing.

All is done and dry. The room is soothing and livid. Esme approves.

The rest of the week is going in the same pattern. Less resistance. More excitement.

~8~8~**~8~8~

I am sitting in the familiar waiting room. I have lived through the week. I look around and see Angela. She approaches me quickly.

"I am so sorry for my former behavior. I had a horrible sore throat and every word I said gave me terrible pain. I know it was no professional of me to not speak to you at all, but I was so exhausted. I am truly sorry."

I am surprised by her sudden outburst. Unable to speak. She catches the meaning of my expression. She continues.

"I am not this chatty either, so don't be scared. I just felt really bad in the morning, after I got a bit more rest." With a small smile she sits back down behind her desk. Without another word. I sit there for a while. I haven't said a word. _Should I now? _My thoughts are interrupted.

"Miss Swan, you can go inside now." Angela says and smiles humbly again. I nod and walk over to open the door.

I almost forget about the sky. _The sky_. Almost.

_How beautiful._

I admire it.

My eyes catch sight of something black. The next second I am in another world. The sky is orange and pink and the sun is _blue_. Forget-me-not-flower blue.

_Such a pity I can live in this alternative universe for only an hour once every week._

"Welcome Bella, nice to see you again. And alive." The smirk appears again. I remember it from our last conversation. I am annoyed. Alternative universe is good. Could be better without that provoking shrink wearing those beautiful eyes. I sit on the sofa.

"Hi Edward, I see you are in a good mood, again." I lift one eyebrow expectantly. I am waiting for more of his smart ass talk.

Nothing. Just a smile. I am a little disappointed.

"So let us begin. The last time we spoke, I asked you to think about things that could make you feel less miserable." Silence falls on the office. I guess it's my turn to speak.

"Yes, and I did as you asked me. What will surely make me feel better is watching that sunset," I point at the sky outside the window, "from first row." I add.

"First row?" He asks, apparently lost. Brows furrowed.

"Yes, first row. It's the place where _you _sit whilst watching it. There is no obstacle in the way of that view." The blue eyes smile with their full force.

"So stand up, and let us make you a little happier!" In an instant he is pushing his table to the other side of the office. Coming back for his leather chair. I am watching him. Speechless. Stunned. He adds:

"But I need you to help me move the sofa; it's too heavy for me."

_What is going on?_

But I do as I am told. Soon all of it is done. The sofa is offering its user sunset sky in full glory.

_Beautiful._

I sit on the sofa lengthwise. Talking to someone with my back to him is just rude. This way I can speak to Edward by lightly turning my head to the right. And watch the skyline by turning my head to the left. I am staring at the sky. He speaks again.

"Is there anything else you came up with?"

"I like to back desserts or anything sweet to eat. And I actually spent the last few days painting my rooms, thanks to my mom. But I found it really enjoyable." I almost smile.

"That is great! I see your mom has got really good influence on you." He says; and he sounds very pleased.

"That's one view point." I say more to myself. But I know the value of her involvement. I am thankful.

"I would like you to follow up with thinking about these things, but more importantly, converting them into real actions." He pauses for a while and then continues.

"Today I would like you to speak to me about the reason you decided it was best for you not to live anymore."

He makes himself comfortable in his chair. The same pose as if he were preparing to watch a presentation. I watch him coldly. I speak.

"Would you like to hear my story, Edward? It doesn't have a happy ending- but which of ours do? If we had happy endings, we'd all be living our lives and not needing a shrink to help us through."

I knew this would come. Sooner or later. I turn my head to the sky. Determined to reveal the Bella and Jacob story. It started with a fall from a cliff. And ended with a fall from the stairs. Love was invited into our lives with the first. Death with the last.

"_It was the second day after we moved to Forks. I decided to go for a walk. Just around the neighborhood. A few hours later I was standing on a cliff. Absorbing the salty air. Watching the never ending horizon. Enjoying the sunny sky. Absolute unison with nature. I loved those moments. I was lost in my own thoughts. I didn't count on a slippery surface. I fell into the sea. I got lots of salty in my organs instead." _I chuckle.

"_There was nothing; for a while. There was just heavy pressure on my chest. Something wet and hot as hell connects with my lips. I don't get enough time to process that. I am already throwing up. The salty water wants to get back to the sea. I finish with the humiliation and I wonder; how many people witnessed it? I lifted my head up. The sexiest six-pack I have _ever _seen comes into my view. Well hello? I imagined my hands tightening on his muscular arms. My nails digging into his flesh. My head resting on the chest of that beautiful body. . ." _OMG! Did I just say that all out loud, in front of my shrink? I blush. I shake my head and continue.

"'_Does my being half naked bother you?' he cuts my thoughts. I blush and look him in the eyes. I am already pink like a Barbie house. I was sure I wouldn't be able to blush anymore. I say shamelessly; 'Hello gorgeous.'" _I laugh, wholeheartedly. My body is in the office. But my mind is with _him_.

"_That's how I met my Jacob. We started dating soon after. We had never been separated since. Happiness was the main component in my life. The dominant pattern in the tapestry. Until that day."_

I pause. I knew the inevitable part was coming. It hurts. It kills.

Edward senses the opportunity and asks, "Is there any song you know, that would resemble the way you felt when you were with Jacob? It could be only music, but then it again it could be only lyrics as well. Are there any?" I look right into the blue eyes. They calm me. Instantly.

"Actually, there is. Maybe it will sound cheesy and all, but. . . All I want for Christmas by Mariah Carey." I pause for some smart comments. There is nothing. I was so sure. I continue.

"When I listen to that song, I see images of its clips in my head and with music and the lyrics it just reminds me so much of Christmas. Yes, I know that was the point of its makers." I say. "But anytime I hear it, I felt like Christmas. And it was the same with Jacob. It was like Christmas every day. I felt like everyday he accomplished to surprise me, to make me happy, to make me laugh and show me his love. Sometimes it was words, sometimes it was actions, and other times it was presents. Even the lyrics say that- all I want for Christmas is _you_. My Jacob. I had him. I had my Christmas _every fucking day_. Until . . . the twenty fourth of December. That day my Christmas died."

Horror flashes over his face. I see it. It makes me only colder. Even though I was expecting it.

"_It was morning. I am in the bathroom. Holding the stick. It says I'm pregnant." _I continue. I avoid his reflection in the window. For my own sake. I am sure he feels lucky that we rearranged the furniture.

"_I want to wrap that stick up and give it to him the following day. But I am not a good actress. He reads my like a book. He knows something is going on. I am beyond happy. I was also afraid. How would he respond? Neither of us have money to throw around. And reason for us to be bothered._

"_He sees the sudden changes. Excitement. Horror. I think about it. I decide. The waiting is worse than the actual words. He can be sad, but he would never leave me for that. I ask him if we can have a gift exchange a bit earlier. I don't want to just blurt it out._

"'_Bells . . . I . . . I am sorry. . . But no.' He says. I accept that. There was a reason behind his decision. I never doubted him._

"'_But _you _can give me mine now anyway.' He smiles roguishly. 'I can give you mine later in the evening, when we come back from the party.'_

"'_Alright then,' I say. I led him under the Christmas tree. We decorated it during the day. We nestle on the floor beneath it. I hand him the gift. He is sad it's so small. I laugh at his behavior. Just like a little boy. I love him. I hope our kid will be just like him. Free spirited, happy, cheerful and stubborn as hell." _I smile. Sadly.

"_As always, the biggest problem is unwrapping it. I had done my best to almost cover the whole wrapping paper with sticky tape. I was enjoying my little joke. It was the third year in a row. Laughing my ass of every single time. After five minutes of struggling, countless expletives, and the rejection of my offer to help him with my nails, he finally opens the box with the stick in it. My heart stopped. He stares at the stick._

"_Five minutes_

"_Twenty minutes_

"_Forty minutes_

"_Where was my watch? He looked into my eyes for only five seconds. He was watching the stick again._

"_Five minutes._

"_Fifteen._

"_He is looking into my eyes again. His eyes are watery. Few tears are cascading down his face. A huge grin appears on his face._

"'_I will be a daddyyyy!' He screams, running around the living room. 'I'll beee a daaaaaadyyyyy!'_

"_The baggage is lifted from my shoulders. Happiness is pouring from his whole body. I am enjoying it. He stops. He looks at me. Then he's hugging me. Kissing me. Like never before._

"'_Oh my god Bells! We'll be parents!' He says with emphasis on the last word._

"'_We will have a little Jacob running around here. Oh, or a little Bella. Oh my god, maybe they will be twins! We have to paint their room, and buy a bed and clothes and . . . and . . . _toys! _We have to buy toys. Can we go now? Pleaaase?'_

"_I knew it then. Everything would be perfect . . . _except it was not." I inhale sharply.

"_We stop by Laurent's Christmas party, as we promised. I headed back to the car where I forgot my phone. I finally reached Jacob on the stairs. He was arguing with James. I hate that guy._

"'_Here is your little slut!' He spat at me. 'Excuse me?' I asked perplexed._

"'_Actually, I won't.' James responded. I was really confused._

"'_Hey man, what has gotten into you? I am not dying and I love her. That should be enough to make you happy. For me. Let's have a drink and talk about this.' Jacob intervenes and touches James' arm. It surprised James. He throws Jacobs arm away in the air immediately. Jacob wasn't expecting it. He was losing his balance. I watched in slow motion. He is, falling." _I almost whisper.

"_I instinctively reach out my hand to catch him. I didn't notice I had nothing to catch onto myself . . . both of us were falling down the stairs . . . hand in hand." _I feel the streams of tears on my face. I don't bother to remove them. There will be more of them. Soon.

"He . . . broke . . . his neck." I cry. My heart is dead. Again.

"It was fast at least." My tears are making their own ocean. "I . . . lost . . . our only child." I feel nothing. I am stone. I keep speaking.

" _I was released from the hospital. I went home. Though it didn't feel like it anymore. There were_ _buckets of roses. All over the place. It pictures a trail leading under the Christmas tree. A loud sob escapes my throat. Someone did it whilst we were gone. I sank down near the tree. This was the place that was filled with so much happiness just hours earlier. My vision is hazy. But I see it. It's resting shamelessly under the tree. I reach for it. A small rectangular box. With my name on it." _I close my eyes. Just for a minute. I wipe my tears away.

"You know, if God is a woman, she is one jealous bitch." I say bitterly.

"Was this the limit, then? Was there some natural law that demanded equal share of happiness and misery in the world? Was my joy overthrowing the balance?" I ask. Desperately looking for some explanation.

"We both know there is no such law Bella. What happened to you was . . . just . . . I can't even imagine. And I can't even tell you how sorry I am." His voice gives up. He takes some time to compose himself.

He speaks authoritatively.

"But you are not dead after all. You are still breathing Bella. You have to play with the cards that life gives you. That's the only rule of life and you should acknowledge that."

"I don't want to play with those fucked-up cards. I got stuck with that ill-fated black Peter." I almost scream at him.

"Do you really think so?" He asks silently. Sincerely. "In a game where Jacob is dead and you are alive, you think _you _have got the black Peter?" His eyes are pleading for me to understand.

I don't have an answer for that question.

There is an unpleasantly long silence. He breaks it and speaks in his composed voice again.

"For next session, I want you to write down a list of reasons why you are the lucky one. Why other people should envy you. And follow up with finding more things that make you happier."

~8~8~**~8~8~

**EPoV**

Such an emotional breakdown.

How can this tiny little fragile looking person endure it? I would never understand. _But I wish I could._

If I had not seen it, I would never have believed someone's eyes could carry around so much pain buried inside them. _But I would rather not have seen that._

I cannot imagine how her minimalistic heart (so small to be able to fit her body, but capable of borderless love) could be broken to more than one piece and still be capable of thumping. _But I would rather not need it to understand in the first place._

Though, I am sure there must be at least one piece left. One piece of her heart that had not changed to dust yet. Or more appropriate- to _ash_. A piece spared from being steamrolled by a frightened herd- so called _life_. A piece giving me hope that she will be happy. Once.


	3. Sorrow

**Please _do _play the song listed in text, while reading it.. **Use the hints (the time I wrote) for best outcome.. Be aware Bella is not telling it all at once.. the dots mean she does not speak, she thinks or just listen.. so please read it slow.. The song is called _Please don't go_ from Barcelona.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. It still surprise me, though.

* * *

"_Hope never abandons you, you abandon it."_

_George Weinberg_

**BPOV**

The list.

I sat cross-legged in the centre of my bed. Thinking. The result? Two blue eyes painted on the paper. They were actually really elaborate. I appraised my work. Can't say the same about my list though. I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling. Defeated.

_Please God, make the answers magically appear on there._

_As if. . ._

I _am _alive. I _should _be happy for that. He stated that the other day. But I'm not. That's where the problem lies. I sigh and pick up my notepad.

_The list of things other people could envy:_

_I am alive. _I write that down, but I would prefer it if he were in my place.

_I am healthy. _My brain works. My feet walk. My hands have ten fingers. I am lucky. . .

_I was beautiful. _Until I lost 10 pounds after. . . Now I'm just skinny. So scratch that.

_I found the love of my life. _And lost him. . .

Let's stay in the present time.

_I do have the best parents imaginable. _A loving mother. A devoted dad. I adore them. I can't express how much. _They gave me the best childhood possible. _I don't remember living from pay check to pay check. Moving across the state for better-paid jobs. Never being 'in' because of lack of money. Because when all was said and done- the less we had, the more we were having fun. I remember happiness in our house. On our faces. Happiness I destroyed because of his death. . .

_I do have a place to live._

_I do have food to eat._

_I am rich. _As if that would repay my sorrow. The judicial settlement was _big_. I can do . . . pretty much anything. But I can't even imagine using that money. They were poisoned. Earned because of his death. I shatter inside.

Come on Bella. Get behind those 'clichés'. I preach myself.

_I am a fucking great baker. _I made raspberry and cherry cottage cake yesterday. My mom ate the whole thing. I really doubt it was out of pure politeness from her side. It was funny to watch her struggling-leave one piece for dad or not? He lost the case. I chuckle. Fom mom it was a win-win situation anyway. I shake my head at the memory.

_I have a beautifully colored room_. Yep, and I did it all by myself! I feel proud.

_Rosalie! _I have my girl, my 'jang'. We are so perfect together. And I just abandoned her. I cut her out of my life the minute it was destroyed. My heart aches a bit more with that thought. I wanted hurricane Rosalie back in my life. She would always tell the truth. Flat and plain. She is someone that will never let you down. Even when not sharing the same opinion. Once I get old, I want to end up with her in a care house. So many times we spoke about it. How we would be chasing the greybeards. Knitting (_as if_). Bitching. Talking about our grand children. . .

I made up my mind. I was going to call her. I just had to make it up to her. She would say something like – 'Oh my god, did you just come back from a deserted island without any connection to the outside world at all? If that's not the case you better have a mind blowing explanation prepared or a big bottle of vodka to bring with your cute little ass so I'm drunk enough to forget why I'm pissed at you!'

I get excited about seeing her again. I am pleased.

I have the perfect conditions to be happy. But I'm not. At the end of the day – it's me. I am responsible for making myself happy. _I _cooked . . . _I _painted . . . _I _decided to contact Rose. It's me who was failing. My will. But there was just no will where there is no hope.

~8~8~**~8~8~

I wake up. I am in another world.

Pure white.

Sparkling little diamonds everywhere.

Peaceful.

I run outside. My pajamas are still on. I throw myself into the snow and land on my back.

I lie there. Serene. My eyes are closed. I only feel. The snow is melting on my lips. On my cheeks. On my nose. On my eyelashes. I don't feel the pain.

I open my eyes. Those unique frozen drops are falling on me. I smile; for the first time in ages. A genuine smile.

_I feel him again. His gentle kisses._

It was our little secret.

The snowflake falls. His kiss melts into my skin.

The snowflakes were kisses from him to me. It kept us happy whilst we were apart.

I know he is somewhere up there, up in the sky, sending each small wet kiss only to me.

I am happy.

This little heaven doesn't last long though. Esme intervenes. Lying in your pajamas in the snow doesn't fall under the 'allowed' category of her rules apparently.

She ushers me into the hot shower. She brings me tea. She waits for me to drink it. Okay. I just shake my head.

I don't explain the escapade. She doesn't force it out of me. She sees I am in a better mood. That's enough for her.

~8~8~**~8~8~

The time comes and I am on my way to see him. I park in front of the building. I try to close the car door. I slam it with all the force I can master. So . . . not much really. I fail. In addition I slip on the icy pavement. I find myself on my bony butt.

_Fuck, that hurts!_

I envy Jennifer Lopez's ass. It must be like falling on a pillow. Right? Have to find that out. I am curious now. Maybe Jessica can tell me. It would be a weird call though. We haven't spoken since high school. I would go a little like this:

'Hi Jess, this is Bella. Yer, that Bella. Bella Swan. How are you? Mmmm. . . And what about your ass? I mean, is it sill really big. No, not big . . . not still . . . I meant . . . well . . . does it hurt when you fall on your ass. Jess? Hello?'

Yeah. Not a good idea.

_Crash!_

There is snow all over my back. I turn my head. Another snowball is flying to meet my face. I turn my head again in time to hide from the impact.

_WTF?_

I stand up from the floor. I scan for the source of this mess. I see his hair shining from the snowy land. I notice the shape of his hair. Was it always so messy? I had never acknowledged. . .

He sees I am looking in his direction. He hides himself behind the curtains.

_Busted!_

I hide my smirk. I act as if I hadn't seen him.

I move towards the building. I stop where he can't see me. I make myself a huge snowball. I put it in the pocket of my anorak.

_Two can play this game!_

I smile like the Grinch.

I am lucky. I came exactly on time. I don't have to wait. My 'little baby' won't melt. Angela sends me straight into the office. I step inside. He turns in his armchair. I see the happiness that radiated from him.

"Hello Bella!" He says as he scans my appearance. He smirks as he sees the remains of his glory.

_You are so screwed my dear friend. _I tell him in my head.

"Hi Edward, I'm sorry about the mess, I fell on the ice. This weather is crazy. Hope you don't mind." I point with my hand at all of the melting snow on my clothes and in my hair.

"No, not at all." He says. Amused that I didn't admit I was attacked.

"Do you remember how I told you that I love to bake?" I ask, still standing near the door. He nods. I can see the expectation building up in his eyes.

"I brought you some." I say smiling and _proud_.

"Great!" He says cheerfully.

I act as if I've forgotten where I put it. Searching through my pockets. The second he averts his gaze I act. I withdraw my snowball and throw it at him. Smack bang in the middle of his chest.

_Strike home!_

I'm laughing frantically. I see the snow ball hitting his chest and flying into pieces. He has snow all over himself. A huge wet mark is left in the centre of his shirt.

He looks absolutely lost. Still wrapping his head around what just happened. Now he's pissed he got caught. At last I see appreciation. A huge grin spreads across his face.

"Bella, you definitely win this one! I see I underestimated you!" Playfulness is evident in his eyes.

"Let's sit down; I'm sure your butt would embrace it." He says with a chuckle.

_One step ahead, two steps backwards._

I take my place. There is no sunset today.

"I like the fact that you are smiling. But I would like to follow up with what we ended with last time." His smile falls.

"I understand." I don't complain. "You want me to speak about my life after Jake." The smile disappears for the rest of the narration.

"They let me be for a couple of days. My mom and dad. They just dropped me in, when they felt the urge to help me, somehow; but they left shortly after that because they realized they were failing." I lay myself back on the sofa.

"It was the day of New Year. _I find myself walking to the cliff. I don't know why. I don't how I got there_. _I just am. Finally I reach the spot that once made me whole. I froze. Is this it?_

"_Will the place that made me happy once, make me happy again? Make the pain go away? I step closer to the skyline._

"_Will it help me to be with him again? I make another step._

"_Will this stop all the questions? Half a step later I am knocked to the ground._

"'_Oh my God Bella! Did you just. . .? Oh, sweetheart.' My dad wraps his arms around me. 'Did you just try to kill yourself?' He asks into my hair. I feel the tears in my eyes._

"'_I don't know dad, I just, I just don't want to feel anything for a while. It's so overwhelming. Fear, anger, sadness, love, emptiness . . . it is all mixed up inside of me . . . I can't stand it anymore. Just make it stop, please?' I cry into his chest. 'Will you? Daddy? Will you make it stop?' I look up into his eyes. My dad is crying too._

"'_I will try my baby, I'll try.' He carries me home in his arms. I fall asleep feeling safe with my father by my side. _

"They never left my side after that. They told me: 'We're afraid you might choose to not live without him, so until you prove us wrong you don't give us any other option.' For two whole months there was always one of them watching me.

"_I haven't found the advantage that sleep provided yet. I would have to think about that first before I noticed it. I am just numb. I do what I am told to do. I try to cooperate. But it's all a lie. All of us know it_. _But we keep trying. We're trying to live through every day. One at a time. It's exhausting._

"I spent more time with my dad than ever before. I know it wasn't his fault. He just wanted to have a roof over our heads. I just wish I'd used this time with him more wisely. God knows, when, or if I would get such an opportunity again.

"I can't tell you more about this period. I just don't remember anything specific. I remember only that everything seemed fake to me. Like we pretended I was not emotionally dead. But all of us saw the truth. I was like a freaking zombie. Alive, but not feeling anything. Anything except his loss.

"I was walking this world aimlessly.

"_One day I can't find the butter to put on my bread. I approach my parents to see if they know where it is. I see them in a heated conversation. I hide. I have never seen them arguing before. I am shocked. I listen. They are running out of money. Their supervisors' patience is running out. So are my parent's savings. They have to go back to work, or they'll be fired. We will be bankrupt. His death can't destroy any of this. My decision is made._

"_I am pretending. I almost convince myself. Everything is alright. I am smiling. Poorly, but smiling. I clean. I cook. I chat. They feel redundant after a couple of days._

"_I am not a very impressing actress. They wanted to see the change in me. They didn't want to feel guilty about leaving me. My gestures are only amplified in their eyes. I am glad for them. They leave._

"_Every day I am trying to complete my mission. Live through it._

"In June there was a trial with James. He got a one year suspended sentence. The jury said it was just an accident. . ." My voice breaks with the last word.

"I lost it there. For the next six months I only slept. Well, with pauses to make a performance for my parents again. But otherwise . . . I just slept. Or tried to sleep." I watch the snow fall for a little while.

"I brought you a song." I stand up and walk over to him.

"I want you to listen. I want you to know how I felt. I want you to feel it too. To feel it all with me. I want you to understand, why I did that . . ." I look into his blue eyes. Begging for him to try and understand. Not to judge the steps I took on Christmas Eve. He nods.

I take out my iPod and hand him one ear bun. I use the other one for myself. I turn him around in his chair. He is now looking at the snowstorm. I sit on his table. Take his chair between my thighs. I rest my feet on the elbow rest. My head on the top of the chair back.

"I want you to see what I saw that night. I want you to feel what I felt. I want your comprehension."

I play the song.

(0:00) . . . "I felt . . . sadness . . . I felt . . . helpless . . . I felt there is no other way. . ."

(0:36) . . . "I felt _his love_ . . . that's why it was all bad and at the same time so liberating. . ."

(1:10) . . . "I could not breathe . . . I could not think . . . I was numb . . . I felt . . . strung-out . . . I felt empty."

(1:54) . . . "I felt scared, but at the same time I was committed to what would come . . . I needed him . . . but I knew he wouldn't be coming home . . . I knew there was only one way to be with him again. . ."

(2:40) . . . "I don't want him to be gone . . . I want him . . . I need him . . . I need him so that I can be whole again . . . I need him so I cannot be broken . . . I need him to be alive . . . I hoped all of it would be fulfilled finally . . . I believed so much. . ."

The song finished. I take out the ear buns.

"I know it was not a wise thing to do, but can you understand, can you at least imagine what I felt? The depth of my sorrow?" I ask, remaining in my position on his desk.

"I have never thought badly about the ones that tried, or succeeded in killing themselves. It's the other way around. I admire them . . . I admire you, Bella." He says, almost in a whisper. He is still watching the snow.

"I know it needs a fuck load of strength to carry into effect the decision you made that day. I know people use to say you people are selfish. But in my eyes you were brave, not many people have the guts to do that." He tells me honestly.

"But don't tell anyone! It is not a very professional opinion." He adds chuckling.

"You were brave, but stupid at the same time. You should have sought out my help earlier. It could have gotten better a long time ago." He adds.

"I know, I know." I say, rolling my eyes.

"I know I should have. But I didn't want to. It's like the ball I should attend because of my father. As if I haven't suffered enough." I add sarcastically.

"I know it's the right thing to do. I know my dad would be happy to see me 'dealing'. But every inch of my being is screaming for me not to go. And when I add the need to look for a dress, shoes and all the other stuff I need to get done because of one evening. . . Oh fuck me right now!" I say with disgust. He chuckles and turns swiftly.

He surprises us both by finding himself situated between my thighs. Facing my breasts. He watches them for a few seconds. He says with a raspy voice:

"My lovely sister could help you with that. She is working for this 'something house'. I can't remember the name . . . ever. She will care about everything you need. I think she can be your homework for this week." He adds smirking.

_Oh god, I am sure it won't be as good as it sounds after all. . ._

He hands me her card. I leave the table and grab my anorak.

"See you next week Bella. I would like us to talk about the trial and James next time."

I froze.

_James._

I leave without another word.

~8~8~**~8~8~

**EPOV**

The insight into her soul that she gave me . . . I don't think _I _would be able to deal with that shit all by myself. She _is _strong. She just needs a little help.

I want to see her smile again. I want to see her so playful. So childish. So free. It was another person in there with the snowball. And I want it to be the only person when she leaves her final session. I want this beautiful strong creature to walk out of this room with confidence and a desire to live her life.

I can tell that this James guy has a bigger role in all of this than she is leading on. She is obviously leaving out something. I am curious. I won't find out until next week, so I will spy on my sister in the meanwhile. I chuckle. Oh my, Bella will be so pissed at me. I laugh frantically.


	4. Hatred

Thank you Crystal for your time and work!

The video I am referring to in this story is: www (dot) youtube (dot) com / watch ? v=6B26asyGKDo. Thank you Crystal for beta-ing.

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. . .

* * *

**Chapter Four: Hatred**

"_Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism._

_It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,_

_but the certainty that something makes sense,_

_regardless of how it turns out."_

_Vaclav Havel, Disturbing the Peace (1986)_

_Oh My God!_

_I am going to kill him!_

I am one hundred percent positive.

This is his sister? THIS? And he sent me to her! He is such an ass.

_I will beat him to death!_

"What's up Bellisima? Are you in your own little crazy world? C'mon, we haven't even started yet, we have a lot more to do." She glares at me. I lift one eyebrow.

_Or, I will kill her._

"You know what, I . . . I think I can handle it myself. I won't bother you." I say with hope in my voice.

"Don't be such a bitch! I am going to make a little princess out of you." She laughs wickedly.

How can such a dwarf be _so fucking irritating? _I wanted to grab her hair and beat some sense into her. _I would totally do that!_

"Edward didn't tell me you were so slow though." She looks at me compassionately. I close my eyes and count to five.

_This is going to be a looooong day._

I was right. I felt like a walking teenager in their worst period. But she is what . . . eighteen? Is her mental development so slow? Sometimes I have no clue what she is talking about. . . Sometimes I would be happier to not understand. . .

"Belllllla." She shrieks at me, stressing the 'L'. I roll my eyes.

"I totally found your dress! You would look like a five star chick in this." She runs towards me. Holding . . . a lot of strings and small pieces of fabric.

"I would look like a slut in that." I say.

"But a high society slut!" She reasons with me. Smirking. Not a good move honey. Smirks remind me of your brother; and it only pisses me off more. But did she really think I would wear that?

I give her more instructions. She gives me a lot more eye rolls. But we find the dress and shoes that we can agree upon. Finally. We bargained. I gave on the depth of my neckline. It ends now under my breasts. She gave up on the length of the dress. I find the longest possible. We agreed on the color of the dress. Surprising to us both. But the turquoise dress is just breathtaking. The dress reminds me of Greek Gods. Kind of the same type.

The day is over. But my nightmare isn't. Alice decided to do my hair and make-up for the ball. I shook my head just thinking about it.

Believe me- _I tried _to talk her out of it; like my life depended on it. I think I haven't tried so much since . . . _ever_! And I lost. But there is no need to fight the fate. If she was going to be killed by me, there was no point in delaying it. I think sarcastically. Yep, sarcasm and irony. My BFF from now on. There was no other way to fight her.

~8~8~**~8~8~

"This is Rosalie Hale. How can I help you?" She speaks into the phone.

"Rose?"

"Yes, I think Rosalie can be shortened to 'Rose' too." She says a bit angrily. Though still trying to remain polite.

"Did you have some brain surgery? Or did they implant the brain filter in your head." I asked horrified. I chuckle.

"Bella?" She asks expectantly, as if she already knew the answer.

"Yes. Miss Hale." I say smiling.

"I find out the thing called a 'job' is actually a fucking brain filter! You knew that? I HATE IT _so much_." There is a noise in the background. There are some muffled voices. Rosalie continues on talking to me.

"One hour, our place! My boss is here. Bye." She hangs up. I am excited to see her.

~8~8~**~8~8~

She doesn't push me to explain the silence. She doesn't ask me why I'd decided to call her now. She doesn't ask me about him. How unlike Rosalie.

She only says: "Bells, you're paying for tonight since it's your fault we haven't caught up to drink the entire year." I laugh.

"I miss you Rose." I say. My fifth shot of Vodka is now empty.

"I love you too Bella, and I don't ever want to lose you again." She says after her sixth shot. She leans over to hug me. I hold her tightly.

It's like we were never apart.

I tell her about Edward. I tell her about his _sister_! I tell her about the day we spent together. She almost pisses her panties while laughing hysterically. I tell her how Alice is going to do my hair. She pisses herself again. But I can't be angry with her. I almost fall from the bar stool. I am delighted. I have my best friend back in my life.

We met in high school. And we quickly became friends. We had the same destiny. Not much money. So no Uni for either of us. We learned to accept that. And we had the best year of our lives. We didn't care about our notes. Teachers lost their power on us. We were the pains in their asses. And we enjoyed it thoroughly.

We stayed in the bar until the lights were turned off. Yeah, we got the message. They want us to go.

~8~8~**~8~8~

The day of my execution arrives. Alice will accomplish the task. Or the ball I am attending will.

"What's _up_?" She shouts. She launches herself at me. Is she trying to throw me down? Oh, no. She just wants to hug me.

_I am honestly getting paranoid. And freaked out by this girl. _I let her into my house. Into my room.

"Well, well, well!" She is looking at my reflection in the mirror. She holds my hair in her hands.

_A very disturbing picture._

"Will you trust me, psycho?" She asks. And I want to kill her. I try to persuade myself.

"No. Way!" I say resolutely.

"God, you are such a baby . . ."

_Calm down Bella, calm down._

Three hours later and I am opening the front door again. It's my dad this time.

"Oh sweet heart, you look stunning." He says with watery eyes.

Alice _is _crazy. That's for sure. But the work she did today; I have to give her the credit for. Big waves of my brown hair is cascading down my back. There is a big silver clip on one side of my head, pinning my hair together above the ear. The clip is silver, with little sparkling grits. The other side is left free.

The makeup is very soft except my eyes. I couldn't stop looking at them in the mirror. They are dark, but with a little touch of blue. The light of hope in the dark.

"Dad, I am wordless. You look . . . well . . . you look better than George Clooney!" I chuckle.

He had black, corvine hair. Wrinkles in the right spots. The ones around his eyes emphasize his cheerfulness. He has warm blue eyes. And tight lips that master a brilliant smile. In the black dinner jacket her looks very handsome.

_I love him so much_.

But I can see the worry in his eyes too. This evening is very important to him. For both of my parents. He needs to make an impression on the right people. He needs them to invest into his idea. He wants to open a special kind of nursery school. He has been working in this field for a long time. I know it is not much of a job for a man. At least society would think so. But my dad was born for this role. This is how he met my mother. She volunteered to help him for free. Years later she confessed she that only to be with him.

He gives me his arm and walks me to the car. My mom is waiting there. I see tears in her eyes.

"Honey, you look beautiful. . ." She says with a sob. I am proud I have made them happy.

"Mom, don't cry!" I wipe away the tears. I give her a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"I thought we might have some performance to give, so don't let us ruin our appearance." I say. Smiling.

"Yes, yes, of course!" Her hands frantically try to correct what her tears have damaged.

Mom has deep brown eyes, like I do. And long brown hair, the same as me. But shorter. Thinking about it, we look the same. With few more wrinkles, she could pass for my older sister.

We head to the ball.

I can't believe my eyes! I want to shuffle my eyes. Alice would kill me. Two tables further down blue eyes is sitting! I am almost happy to see him. Almost. But then I remember. I glare at him as I get pissed off. I force him to look at me. My mission is temporarily distracted. My dad looks at me. Confused. I give him my best smile. His smiles back weirdly. Apparently considering how crazy I really am. I make sure I behave like a good girl for the rest of the dinner. I chat when needed. I give a fake smile at the right times.

The dinner is over. I go to the bar. I need something to drink. Urgently.

"Good evening gorgeous." He says from behind me. His lips just an inch from my ear. I shudder from his breath on my skin. I turn around slowly. I get the full power of his beauty.

His blue eyes are emphasized by the grey suit he wears. His lips stained red from the wine he is drinking. His hair almost black in the timid light. I want to touch him. I remember what he did again.

"You know, we should make one thing clear. I hope you do understand I looked for your help, because I tried to kill myself. And I remember you making me swear that I wouldn't try it again. So I really do _not _think sending me to your slightly crazy sister Alice, was such a clever idea. Considering you really want to keep my alive." I blurt out coldly.

"Wow, that was a warm welcoming." He says chuckling. I hate him. I lift an eyebrow. I refuse to say a single word.

"Let me dance with you." He suggests politely.

"No way!" I cross my arms my chest. He smiles playfully. The he freezes. He stares at my breasts. I look at them. Oh fuck, I just pushed them up when I crossed my arms. I drop them. He composes himself.

"You know she was accepted to Harvard in advance?" He asks me whilst lifting his eyebrows.

"What, like, as a experimental guinea pig?" I ask. Though I am surprised. He chuckles.

"Let me dance with you and I'll explain." My curiosity gets the better of me. I nod and roll my eyes.

He takes my hand in his. They are huge. But gentle. He walks me to the centre of the room. I realize there is no one else dancing. _Fuck. Me. _But it's no obstacle for him. He starts to swirl me around the dance floor. Just like the professionals.

_Who knew I could dance like this. . ._

After a while I relax. I press my head to his neck. His breath tickling my earlobe again.

"She is doing it on purpose you know. The strange behavior. She loves to study people, to push their boundaries, expose them to edgy situations. One time she made me fake a heart attack so she could watch people helping me. Once I was supposed to look like a rich business man, the next time like a homeless drunk." He sighs.

"I don't have to tell you how long I had to lay there as a homeless until someone finally tried to help me, do I?" He doesn't give me time to answer.

"That's what she will be studying at Uni. Sociology. People." That stunned me. I freeze on the spot. He just lifts me an inch from the floor and swirls me around a little more. I feel his muscles working.

"Are you trying to tell me that I lived through that whole fucking day only for her stupid personal studying purposes? Like _I_ was the fucking guinea pig?" I am angry now. I rejoin our dance with my feet on the dance floor. He chuckles.

"You know, she did say that you had a surprising amount of patience. She was really impressed by you." He says honestly. I am just more pissed.

"Well fuck her, now I am even more pissed!"

"Don't be too hard on her. She loves it. It is just a part of who she is. You get used to it after a while. And it helps you learn a lot about yourself as well. After that heart attack study, I try to treat people regardless of their appearance. It made me a better person. And I am thankful for that." He tells me honestly.

"I thought our sessions were only once a week." I say sarcastically.

"Let's say this is just advice from a friend."

"Is that even legal? To be friends with my shrink?" I ask, interested. He is suddenly quiet for a while.

"Yes, that one is allowed." He says blankly.

I can sense that he is tensed, after what was said. An awkward silence lies upon us. The conversation is apparently over. I made a move to finish the dance too. But he holds me even more tightly.

_I guess the dance isn't over then._

I inhale his scent. I feel lost in him. I close my eyes. I let myself lose myself in the silence dance.

_Who could have known it would be easy with the right man._

_~8~8~**~8~8~  
_

"So Bella, you know what I want to speak with you about today." I shudder at the thought.

"Yes." I say, glaring at him. He is silent for a while.

"You know I'm doing this for your own good." He continues after a moment.

"Yes." I say like a teenager with home arrest. He is silent. It is my time to speak then. I look at the flood of orange and begin.

"So, as I said last time, there was that trial with James in June. You know, I doubted that there was anyone else as sleazy as James, but I was wrong. His attorney– Aro." I shake my head. The chill runs through my body just thinking about him.

"It was the last straw I was holding onto. My last hope that I would find some . . . not peace, but justice at least. Some revenge. Some payback for my sorrow. But all I got was money . . . as if I could even enjoy it." I say disgusted. I look into his eyes. I am instantly calmer. I turn to the sky again and continue.

"They told me . . . my lawyers . . . that they knew he wouldn't get arrested. They tried to explain to me that it was _really _an accident. . . Can you imagine? He pushed him. HE. PUSHED. HIM. That is _not _an accident. They can't do this. They can't just say that. He pushed him with the aim to harm him. He harmed him . . . he killed _him_." I am angry. I am desperate. I am devastated again. Goosebumps appear all over my body.

"And he was sitting there, on the bench, after wearing on the Holy Bible, claiming it was just an accident . . . I am just fed up with it . . . that people can just get away with no punishment by claiming they didn't mean to end up like it did. . . Take fucking _responsibility _for what you did motherfuckers!" I yell at blue eyes with all the hatred I had buried inside of me.

"This is why the world looks like it does. . ." I almost whisper.

"There is no justice . . . because there is this fucking system where you can hide everything by saying 'I didn't want this to happen'. I didn't want him to fall down the stairs and break his neck. BUT THAT WAS WHAT HAPPENED! How many disasters would there be if everyone would watch their move, their push. . . How many people in this world are run over ever day 'by accident'? I know he couldn't have known that . . . couldn't have known he would kill him, he _should _pay for it." I say with tears in my eyes.

"He should pay for his mistakes, he should have been aware of the surroundings . . . of the possible harm he could have caused. . . They can't just say it was an accident. . . He can't just take away someone's life and walk away untouched. . ." I silently cry into my hands.

"I had nothing . . . after the trial ended. . . You know, before, I thought I could never feel emptier than the night of his death and the death of our child . . . but after the trial ended . . . I was nothing. Just a shell. . ." I look at him behind tear filled eyes.

"You know that guy that took a picture of himself every day for six years and posted it on the internet?" He nodded.

"Have a look at it again, for me." He turns on the web browser and found the video. When I hear the familiar music I know he is playing it.

"Look at him . . . you see the eyes? Do you dare tell me they are happy? Have you seen a single smile at least on one picture of these 2356 days? The surroundings change. His hair grows out and then it is short again because he got it cut. His shirt changes. But the only thing I can see is the pain in his eyes and the same black circle under them. . . That was me. A lifeless shell in the changing world around me. I didn't want to be like them . . . to live like that. And we're there again- _I didn't want to_ . . . but it just fucking happened because of someone else, someone who didn't even dare to give me some peace because he wasn't punished." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"So I made my mind to take him down with me. I decided to make him the same lifeless shell as I was." I tell blue eyes with no shame. I can see the shock and panic in his eyes.

"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. When I made that decision it was the best I felt since his death. I decided I was going to kill Victoria. His _love _for my love. His _pain _for mine." I say coldly. I can touch the tension in the room. The unspoken question lingers in the air. I smirk.

"Calm down, I didn't do it." I say watching the sky again. Pink is joining the orange.

"It isn't that I didn't want to. I had it all planned out. I never felt so serene. It wasn't so hard to get a gun. It is our lovely USA after all- nothing is easier. I followed them for two weeks. Getting to know their habits. Trying to find the best opportunity. They acted so in love." I shake my head in disbelief.

"I was sick every fucking day because of that. Couldn't even watch it. One day I took my spot behind the tree. Perfect place to shoot and still not be spotted, perfect place to run in the opposite direction to a crowded place. I could get lost in there and never be identified. So I waited for them to walk by as they did every evening. And it was only then that I saw their hands on her bumpy stomach." I shook my head forcefully. Still not able to process that fact.

"I couldn't believe it! I hated them even more! But I just couldn't pull the trigger." I see the confusion in his eyes.

"Are you asking me why? Because she had that tummy . . . they tummy _I _was supposed to have. The tummy that should have been the home of my child . . . they didn't only take my Jacob away, but they'd stolen my pregnancy too! Can you imagine how frustrated I was? Standing there, with the gun pointing at her, so close to my personal justice. All that he had done to me would have been gone with just one shot. And I COULDN'T DO IT!" I shake my head, ashamed of myself.

"I was not even capable of revenge. After all he had done to me; I had mercy with the unborn child. The child I should have been carrying." Silence.

"I went to my lifeless mode again. I waited for the end to come for me. I think I unconsciously knew back then that I would try to kill myself." We are silent for a while.

"Bella, you told me James and Jacob were friends, am I right?"

"Yes, Jacob _thought _so." I emphasize the third word.

"You think a friend would want to kill his friend, on purpose?"

"I _thought _not." I emphasize the second word this time.

"Bella, I do understand that. With one move he technically destroyed your future family. But you have to find a peace in your heart so you can move on. You have to accept the fact, that even though he killed him, it never really was his aim. We are just like that Bella. Those are _men_. We drink. We shove one another. We yell. But after all of it is down, we are friends again and everything is forgotten."

"You think I should be as forgiving as you are? We can't all be saints and martyrs." I say. He laughs.

"I have never imagined you would forgive him just like that. And no one can be saint nor martyr in this disturbing world. But I want you to think about what Jacob would have thought about it. If he would have wanted you to kill James' girlfriend. Or if he'd have been pissed but knew James meant no harm."

"You want to use my dead boyfriend to make me feel guilty? How mentally disturbed are you?"

"I just want you to look at it from another point of view. I am sure you won't forgive him for a long time, but I need you to accept the fact that it was really an accident."

"How can I move on, if he just died? Died for nothing. . . Just because of James' ego or whatever. . ."

"Would it make it easier for you, if the death had some sense? Some purpose?"

"Of course it would! If he was rescuing a drowning child, which he saved but died whilst doing it, I could fucking live with that!"

"And how do you know there will be no sense to his death? Maybe there is already, and you just don't know it yet. Maybe his death won't be forgotten."

"So what now? You'll tell me how God has a purpose, a plan for everyone on earth, that everything happens for a reason? And that Jacob fulfilled his purpose and therefore died?"

"No, I just don't want to see your life get wasted too! Bella place, if you can't see some sense in his death, try to make some. But just don't let your life get wasted too."

~8~8~**~8~8~

**EPOV**

I would have said I was surprised to see her there. But I wasn't. I did my best to find out from my sister which ball Bella was attending. It was the one my parents were holding. You can imagine my surprise.

I couldn't believe it was her at first. Her parents didn't have a chance, when she decided to give them her little show. I watched stunned as she acted so cheerful and carefree. Adding it to her shining beauty. . . She was simply gorgeous. I couldn't help myself; I needed to feel her in my arms.

Of course she was an angry tiger at the beginning. It was just so lovely. Totally worth sending her to my sister. I love Alice a lot, but she really _is _a pain in the ass sometimes. But after all, I finally got to hold her. I rested one hand on her lower back. O got to hold her small fingers in my other hand. I let my clothes meet her silky dress and pressed my cheek to the top of her head.

The bliss didn't last long though. She had to bring the reality back to me, had to remind me there could only be friendship between us. So I decided to get the most I could get from this encounter, after all it's the most I could ever get. I held her tighter. And let myself loose in her. I tried to not imagine her breasts that were obviously braless in this dress. I tried not to imagine her panties lying on the floor of my bedroom. I tried not to imagine feeling her so close, like we were at this time, in my bed and naked . . . I tried to suppress those images and enjoy only the real sensation between our bodies. Well, give me some credit- at least I tried, but my fantasy was stronger.

~8~8~**~8~8~

I couldn't believe it. Could not believe that that gorgeous little tiger wanted to kill someone. I understood it, of course. He practically destroyed her life, but I couldn't tell her that. I would want to kill him myself if he accidentally killed her. . . But I couldn't tell her that either. I needed to find out what would make his death more bearable for her. She wanted to see some sense in his death? I could understand that, but I was scared like a fucking toddler that she wouldn't find that sense in James.


	5. Carefree

_Thank you Crystal for your work on this chap!_

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* * *

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**Chapter Four: **Care-free

_Hope is important,_

_because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear._

_~Thich Nhat Hanh _

I am not capable to gather up my ownthoughts. Though it has already been a week since my last session with Edward.

It is true about the things I said. It _would _be easier for me, if his death served some purpose. But every solution of this riddle leads me to think that I was the purpose. That _I _should be the one benefiting from his death.

Because of his death my life has changed. Besides losing him, now I am rich. I can fix everything that was wrong with my life – buy the house, invest in my dad's project, go to school, travel . . . anything I want – I _can _do.

Except having him by my side.

I can't imagine living with that thought – his death being the cost for my life being easier. That's just sick.

_So where does this bring me? _Nowhere. That's the point.

Who will justify his death? _What _will justify his death?

I am sure as hell not going to. And anyone who takes that place, I will hate.

_Yeah. You can see where the problem lies._

With no answers to my questions, I sit waiting for my appointment.

Angela gives me a polite smile. She points to his door with a brief nod of her head. Her silence mode is back, I guess.

I walk toward his office and slowly open the door.

"Good evening Bella." He smiles widely at me. I calm down instantly.

_What a soothing effect he has on me. I just can't understand._

"Good evening to you too, Edward." I say softly, while memories of our dance invade my mind. I sit down on the sofa; making myself comfortable and wait for Edward to set out today's topic.

"So Bella, did you think a bit more about what we spoke about in our last meeting?" I watch him wide eyed.

_Is he a telepath? Or is he just lucky? Oh. I forgot. The universe hates me. . ._

I must look surprised, because he continues.

"You know, about trying to give his death some sense? Did you think about it?"

That is just so not fair. . . The only time I don't do my homework, and he catches me.

"Well, yes, I thought about it." I say, hopeful that this would be enough to satisfy him.

"And . . . ?" He asks with a smile on his face.

_Yeah. I should be so lucky. . ._

"To be honest- nothing. Not a single thing. I am going in a circle with it . . . I don't want to be the reason. And I just can't find any other possibility. Nothing is important enough that his death would be acceptable . . ." I shake my head with that thought.

"I can see you have been thinking about it and that's good enough for me. You don't have to come to a conclusion right away, or find some sense in it. It will take some time and distance of course." He assures me.

"But I'm afraid you're handling this from a bad angle. While you were speaking, I got the impression you are trying to find something important enough, that sacrificing his life would be an acceptable choice."

_Well yeah!_

"But that is not the right way to go. In my opinion, if I found the love of my life, no reason would be important enough to sacrifice her for it. I would sacrifice myself for her. But there would be nothing I would choose over _her_."

_At least there's something we can agree upon._

"You told me already, that you got a lot of money from the judicial settlement. So think about the things you can do with it now, but couldn't do with it back then. There are two things you have Bella. I know it will sound cold, but you have freedom and money. I know you don't want either of them. But, you have them. So let's get as much as you can get out of it. That's the right way to go. You are not bound to anyone, you can go wherever you want, do whatever you want. Just try to think of what would make you happy; what would make Jacob happy to see you do. . . Take this opportunity as a gift from him. Can you see where I am going with these thoughts?" The blue eyes are asking. I smile at them involuntarily.

"Yes. I do. I will think about it." I say nodding.

"All right." He smiles. "Today I would like to speak to you about _love_."

_Love? _I furrow my brows. I am apparently missing something, because he gives me a pity smile and continues.

"Judging by your look, I am sure you have not been shopping lately. Nor are you aware of what day is coming."

This confuses me even more.

"Valentine's Day." He says.

_Oh._

"I guess no response is better than the nervous breakdown I was afraid of." He smiles.

"You just took me by surprise. I really hadn't seen it coming." _Am I that blind to the outside world?_

"Anyway. There is no reason for a nervous breakdown from me, because were never celebrated Valentine's Day."

His eyes almost pop out. Look, who is surprised now?

"There was really no point you know. The things other people do only that day, we did when we felt like doing them. We didn't need a schedule. So there is no reason to be afraid of me. I won't do anything reckless. It is just like any other day for me."

Silence. That's weird. Have I said something wrong? He is obviously considering something in his head.

I watch the sky. I've missed the view. Orange and blue is the proof. Another day is over. Another day I lived through. Alive.

"Edward?" Planet earth to Edward!

Nothing. I roll my eyes and sigh. This is getting a little boring.

"Do I pay for _your _silence too?" I laugh.

"Of course not. Sorry. I was just thinking. All right. So . . . you think Valentine's Day won't remind you of Jacob?" He asks confused.

"No more than any other day I remember him." I answer and he watches me warily.

"How do you see your relationship with Jacob?" He asks out of nowhere.

"Perfect." I state simply.

"You want to make me believe you never had a fight?" He asks sincerely.

"They were only minor fights. And just a few of them." I say resolutely.

"I honestly doubt that." He says. His hands are on his mouth seconds later.

"I am sorry. I should not have said that. Not that way." He says apologetically.

"The end of one's relationship does determine one's view of the whole relationship. So if the breaking up is bad, they tend to view the whole relationship as bad. In your case, it is not surprising, that you would view your relationship as the best in the world. I am not saying you are lying. I am just saying you should not have such high demands for your next boyfriend, because there is a good chance he will never live up to them. And nor would Jacob."

_Here is the Edward I know. The smart-ass._

"So you want me to get used to what I get, and not bitch about it. Am I right?" I asked; pissed off.

"Not at all. I just want you to be realistic. Don't expect too much. Give it a chance. Be open-minded."

"This conversation is pointless. I don't feel the need to be with anyone anytime soon. _If ever_."

"And can you at least imagine it? To be with someone else?" He asks silently.

"It is not that I can't imagine being with someone else. I just can't imagine finding anyone who would be good enough for me. Don't get me wrong. I am not hard to get or anything. But. . . Imagine you have tasted the sweetest and most tasteful peach that has ever existed. Of course to _your _taste. It could have tasted awful for someone else. Would you be able to eat other peaches afterwards and not think about the one you once ate and was just perfect and nothing less? Would you be able to?" I smirk.

"I would be delighted if I was honored to have perfection for once in my life. And I am sure the other ones would be tasteful enough for me to enjoy them, even though they did not reach perfection. But usually perfection is made up only in our minds. How many memories do seem so great, so funny, so amazing? And in reality, when you were there, living the moment, you didn't feel like that?" He says and sighs. He looks at me fatherly and continues.

~8~8~**~8~8~

"Belisimaa!" _Oh no. _Check the ID next time before you pick up the phone!

"Hi Alice, whom do I owe the pleasure to talk to you?" Or whom should I kill?

"No one. I am just assuming, you don't have any plans tomorrow."

"Oh, I . . ." I am fucked, because she doesn't even let me finish a sentence.

"And. You are not so selfish and heartless to leave me hanging on Valentine's Day alooone." She whines at the end. _I am so screwed_.

"Of course I'm not, Alice." Because I am apparently brainless instead. _OR?_ I laugh as an idea pops into my head.

"I am sure Rosalie would love to join us too. But you can make the call; I am running out of battery." Ha. HA! I take as many people down with me as possible.

"Of course Bells. Just send me the number of Rose-bush." She says and I laugh devilishly.

"No problem. There should be enough battery to do that." I smirk.

~8~8~**~8~8~

***You are dead! No, no . . . you WISH you were!***

I read the message from Rose the next morning. I see I made a good move by shutting off my phone, after I sent Alice the number. I knew Rose would have hunted me down otherwise.

~8~8~**~8~8~

**_EPoV_**

***Get your ass in here.*** I read the message from Alice.

***Why? Is something wrong with Bella? Where are you?*** I reply.

What could have happened? That's why I wanted Alice to be with her. To prevent anything. Not to let something happen!

***The opposite. In Sun.***

What?

"Jasper, do you know some place called the Sun?" I interrupt his conversation with the annoying brunette. He looks thankful. But then confused.

"Like sun and the moon?" He asks.

"I don't know what its full name is. My sister is there. Do you know where it is?" I get only an even more confused look.

"Your sister is at the sun?" He asks. Disbelief on his face. And then pity. WTF?

"She wrote me to get to her. I asked where she was and she said in Sun. But I don't know where this club, or bar, or whatever it is, is."

There is nothing from him. And then he just laughs. I think he is drunk enough for today.

"Oh my God!" He speaks in between the tantrums of his laughter.

"I thought she was a rocket scientist or something like that for a while." _Seriously?_

"And I felt sorry because I assumed she died by getting too close to the sun." I just roll my eyes.

"Seriously Jasper, no more alcohol for you today."

I head outside, dragging drunken Jasper along with me. I can't leave him here in this state. He would be easy prey for the girls. They would have hunted him down immediately. Yeah, even I know that, with his curly blonde hair and green eyes, southern accent and tall but well built body. The girls drop their panties just looking at him. So as a result of so much famine attention he became very picky. But the more he drinks the less he sees clearly. And I don't want to leave him here rambling on all day long about how it was all my fault he ended up with that ugly, short, fat, not classy or whatever he finds not appealing girl.

I call a cab. While I speak with the cab driver about the location of the Sun, Jasper tries to hide his chuckling, apparently finding this topic still hilarious. Like a walking kid. Seriously.

We reach our destination and walk down the stairs inside the bar.

"Oh my God!" Jasper is looking up at the podium.

_Oh. My. God! _I am looking at the podium.

I am watching three asses moving to the rhythm of the song. The left ass, with blonde hair, turns around and sings:

"_I come home in the morning light,_

_My mother says 'When you gonna live your life right?'_

_Oh, mother, dear,_

_We're not the fortunate ones."_

The other two heads turn around a bit and all of the girls sing in sync:

"_And girls, they want to have fu-un. Oh, girls, just wanna have fun."_

All the girls are with their back to us again. Seconds later the girl on the right turns around this time. That's my little sister.

"_The phone rings in the middle of the night,_

_My father yells 'What you gonna do with your life?'_

_Oh, daddy, dear,_

_You know you're still number one."_

I laugh, because that's so my father. But the heads are here again and singing:

"_But girls, they wanna have fu-un. Oh, girls, just wanna have. That's all they really want . . . Some fun. . ."_

All the girls turn around to the audience and sing together:

"_When the working day is done. Oh, girls, they wanna have fu-un. Oh, girls, just wanna have fun. . . Girls. They want. Wanna have fun. Girls. Wanna have . . ."_

My sister and the blonde one turn their backs to us again. My Bella sings:

"_Some boys take a beautiful girl,_

_And hide her away from the rest of the world._

_I wanna be the one to walk in the sun._

_Oh, girls, they wanna have fu-un."_

The other girls join her:

"_Oh, girls, just wanna have. That's all they really want . . . Some fun . . ."_

And now, the girls in the audience join them too. The whole bar is singing and bouncing. I watch speechless.

"_When the working day is done,_

_Oh, girls,_

_They wanna have fu-un._

_Oh, girls,_

_Just wanna have fun. . ._

_Girls,_

_They want,_

_Wanna have fun._

_Girls,_

_Wanna have._

_They just wanna,_

_They just wanna. . . _

_They just wanna,_

_(Oh. . .)_

_They just wanna. . ._

_(Girls just wanna have fun. . .)_

_Oh. . ."_

I look at Jasper. A wide grin is plastered across his face. His head bouncing to the rhythm too. His eyes are glued to . . . to my sister. I laugh. Poor boy.

I watch Bella. Alice was right. I'd never seen Bella so happy. So carefree. So . . . free. I watch as the girls have their fun.

After the song ends I can't hear my own thoughts. People are cheering so loud. Of course I am joining them. The girls enjoy their standing ovations and sit at their table. I grab Jasper's arm and walk over to them.

"Hello ladies." I say in my most charming manner. The blonde one gives me a bitch brow. Alice claps her hands and hangs herself on me. Bella just smirks at me.

Those were not exactly the reactions I was looking for. But better than the bitch brow. What's the blonde's problem, anyway?

"Did you see us Eddieee? They LOVE US! They . . ."

They what? What is she looking at? I follow her eyes. Jasper? Is she looking at him? He is looking at her. Are they looking at each other? I smirk. This is sure to be funny.

"Let me introduce myself, lovely lady." Jasper says. He holds out his hand. My sister obeys.

"I am Jasper Whitlock. The president of your fan club. I would be delighted to volunteer to the position of 'love of your life' as soon as it is available." Well. That is _not _Jasper.

"Nice to meet you Jasper Whitlock. I am Alice Cullen. And if you call this number tomorrow, they will inform you about available positions around the area you have mentioned." She is handing him her card. And _that _is not my sister!

But they are not what I am here for. I borrow a chair from a nearby table. I place it on the left side of Bella.

"May I sit here?" I ask, smiling. She smiles.

"This is a free country Edward. Do whatever you like." She smirks. That smirk.

"I am glad to see you so . . . so playful again." I wink.

"I told you this day is like any other day to me. And it is really fun to be out with my girls." She looks kindly at Alice. But something she sees must upset her, because she scowls. I turn around and see Jasper giving my sister a gentle kiss on the hand. I don't think I like this picture.

"Well, until that one stole Alice from us." Bella pointed out angrily.

She looks at the blonde one, which gives her a confused look. They have a silent conversation after which Bella turns back at me smiling.

"I am so rude. Edward, this is my best friend Rosalie. Rose this is Edward. My . . . shrink." Yep. I am the shrink. Nothing more. _Fuck me._

"Nice to meet you Rose." I reach my hand to her. She smiles. Widely.

"The shrink! Well hello, then. I was afraid you came to steal Bella. But now that I know who you are, I may steal you myself instead." Is she trying to flirt with me? That's just . . . cheap.

"Guys! I would like you to meet Jasper! Jasper, those are my girls." Alice interrupts our conversation. Thank God! But what's wrong with her. Why is she acting so strange? So weird? So . . . normal? That is so not her.

_Ouch! That hurts! _What the hell? Someone is squeezing my right hand, while I am speaking to the waitress. When I finish to tell her, that Rose is already at the bar getting our drinks. I look for the rest of the body of _the hand _causing so much pain. It's Bella's. What is going on?

She is staring in the air. Really looking at nothing.

Rosalie is at the bar, waiting. Alice and Jasper are . . . nowhere? Great.

But what is going on? I can't see anything wrong? She looks into my eyes. I see tears streaming down her pretty face. That's when I realize. I listen to the song. The cheerful music stabs me repeatedly in the heart. _". . . All I want for Christmas, is youuuuu." _is on a loop in my head.

I squeeze her little hand back. Just so she knows that I understand. I use my other hand to pat her leg. Hopefully soothingly. She lays her head on my shoulder. She lets loose her grip on my hand. It's me who is holding her hand now. Trying to communicate with my thumbs that I am there for her. Providing the only comfort I can.

I don't see the confused look on Rosalie's face. I don't see Jasper and Alice leaving the bar together. I have my eyes closed. I just feel her. Feel her calming down. Though the shitty song is only half way through.


	6. Confusion

Disclaimer: _I do not own Twilight. Nor any of the character. I think we know that already..._

_Many thanks to Bryar for her beta work on this chap - THANK YOU!_

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**6. Confusion **

_**"****It's all right to cry. It's all right to hurt****. It's all right to be confused... **_

_**Hope will rebuild landmarks. Hope will outlive the broken hearts. Hope will outlive the disillusioned."**_

_**Alan Cox**_

It's already a few weeks after Valentine's Day. Since then, I am coping better and better. Maybe I finally started to listen to Edward. Maybe I finally accepted his help. The reasons are insignificant. The main point is, that I am getting better.

I tried to spend more time with my former friends these couple of weeks. I really tried. But they were dragging me back to the memories I tried not to awake, while I was out of Edward's office. I know sooner or later I have to learn to deal with it, but it isn't my time yet. I enjoyed as much fun as possible with Alice and Jasper instead. They gave me new memories. New, happy memories without the burden of my past. They were my unique kind of treatment. They made me forget. They made me free. And that's why I am waiting so eagerly for Alice to pick me up. It's Friday morning and we are leaving the town to celebrate her birthday. The destination: a cottage, near the Lake Crescent.

I hear the horn and run out from the house. My bag is bouncing on my shoulders. I reach the car and I find brightly smiling Alice and little moody Edward. The always perky Alice immediately jumps at the chance to crush the air out of my lungs and scream in my ear. „I am so happy you are coming. It just wouldn't be the same without you." And with that she let me breath again.

„Oh Alice, of course I am coming. How could I not! I am really looking forward to it." I say honestly and give her one more hug.

She smiles widely and looks at Edward with arched eyebrows. „See, I make her happy, so get off my back!" And just like that she takes my bag and put it in the back of the car. I look at Edward questioningly. He just shakes his head and responds to Alice.

„Great Alice, I see I can't tell you anything privately." He says disapprovingly.

„Is there a problem with me?" I ask, lost.

„No!" They whine in unison, which gets me only more frustrated. But they won't spoil my good mood.

„Okaaay." I say puzzled. "So, are we going then? I want to be there already! I love old cottages. They are so... so warm and comfy and homey. Oh, I can't wait." I am dreaming out loud. When I snap back to reality, two smiling faces are looking at me. Alice wears a smug smile while Edward's smile is more like defeated, but both are smiling, amused by my daydreaming.

„So lets get on the road." Edward demonstrates his excitement with a wink as he opens the car door for me. I step in and settle into the backseat. He takes his place in the driver's seat as Alice slides in the passenger seat.

„Yeah, because that wink was very professional." I don't hear her saying that to Edward.

**EPoV**

Bella's excitement wears off quickly, because she is asleep halfway to the cottage. How do I know? Because I watch her through the back mirror like a freaking creeper. But I can't help myself. She looks so serene sleeping there.

Instead of being happy by that sight, I get pissed, again, at Alice.

„I know you are happy I invited her. And don't try to tell me otherwise." Alice says quietly, as if reading my thoughts.

„It's not about what _I _want Alice, but about what is best for _her_! You don't get the whole picture of it, do you? _Or, _you don't want to. I can't be her friend Alice. As much as I might want just right that, I can't, if I am her shrink too." I respond.

„So don't be. Send her to someone else. Problem solved." She says it matter of factly.

„Do you even see how selfish you are? You want _you _to be happy in first place and you don't care at all about what's best for her." When did she become so egoistic?

„Because you are such a martyr Edward." She says more to herself.

„ I know what she have been through and I don't want her to suffer longer than she has to. I know, that if I send her to someone else it would take long time until he earns so much trust like she has now in me. I won't let her down."

„So you did think about sending her to someone else!" She states.

„No I did not!" I lie. She knows.

„I know you became friends with Bella. But we are walking fine line here. And if the time comes and I have to choose, it would be her good before all of ours. I am sorry Alice." I look at her apologetically, but she avoids my silent plea. She just looks out of the window with set teeth. I feel like I am in death end.

**BPoV**

„Bella... Bella... Beautiful..." I feel a warm touch on my cheek. I open my eyes reluctantly. I am rewarded with bright green eyes looking at me. I blink several times to wake myself into reality. Edward smiles widely and says: „We are here Bella, turn on your excitement." I giggle and give him a 100-mega watt smile. He laughs and gives me his hand for support to step out of the car.

„That's what I am looking for! Come on, Alice is already in." He says still laughing.

I turn around to see the cottage finally. It's a really small, cozy cottage, made out of wood but now mostly covered by snow. „Aww." It's all I master. Edward just shakes his head chuckling at me. _Whatever._

Edward opens up the front door for me and I am immediately overflowed with the smell of burning wood, the aroma of cooked wine and the sound of laughter. This feels like home. I approach the room where the sounds come from and I am greeted with a united „Welcome!" There is Alice, Jasper and a tall blond girl I don't know. AND don't like immediately.

„Bella! Let me introduce you. This is Tanya, she is an old friend of Edward and I. Just a few days back we realized she is working in the same building as Jasper, such a coincidence." Alice is telling me about the blonde one. When she finishes, she turns to her and says:" Tanya, this is Bella, you know everything about her already." The introduction is apparently finished with that statement. I wish Alice could have said the same about Tanya.

„Nice to meet you." I reach out my hand. „Nice to meet you too." She almost sings, but I can see she is trying to figure me out already. Well, this will be "fun".

„Am I titled to be the porter for all of you or what?" Edward whines from behind my back. I turn around to look at him and I have to smile again. Three bags on his every limb. No, Tanya will not diminish this weekend.

„Of course Eddy boy, that's your little title of honor. You have definitely earned it in fair competition during those many years we spent here." The little bitch purrs and gives him a kiss on a cheek. _Good mood. I am in a good mood_. I chant it in my head like a mantra.

„Nice to hear that Tanya, but I don't want to fall off the stairs, so please everyone take your stuff upstairs." He met my gaze and moves his head in the direction of the said stairs.

„No prob." I take my stuff and aim for the stairs. I think the name „stairs" is just a joke. You have to be very careful to climb them and not to fall off them because they're so tiny. I walk up them, watching my every step and I only dare to look up when my foot is off the last step. There is no room. I froze. _No room?_ There are just beds. They are only... _3... 3? 3!_ Someone bumps into me from behind.

„Honey you have to move on, so the others can come up too." Tanya pushes me a bit further since I don't reply.

„Three?" I say silently. Alice catches me watching the bed intently.

„Oh Bella, I forgot to tell you. Since the cottage is so tiny and we are really close friends we are used to move the beds near each other. We make like one giant bed and all of us sleep there together. It's like a sleepover." She winks at me. I blink. "It's really fun. But if you have a problem with it, we can leave out one bed just for you if you want?"

She looks at me questioningly... It can't hurt.

„No, no... I was just surprised, it's not problem for me.

„Great" She smiles widely. Tanya watches me weirdly again. _I don't like her._

_~8~8~**~8~8~  
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„Santa Claus?" I guess. He shakes his head no and does more movements with his hand.

„You are unpacking something." He signs something like „close, but not"...

„I don't know Edward!" I throw my hands in the air defeated. He is contemplating for a moment when Tanya shouts: „Ten seconds left!" Edward acts as if opening his zipper on his jeans. Opening the zipper of jeans, close to opening and closing something, bag...

„Hook and loop!" I shout.

„YEEES!" Edward bounces up and down and runs toward me to embrace me in hug. I jump up from the sofa and we scream together, delighted that we won the final round.

„Don't get too cocky you two." Jasper says. But I can say he is obviously enjoying the sight.

„You are just jealous" Edward and I respond in unison. This causes every one a fit of good laugh. When everyone calms down a bit I take my spot again and Edward joins me at the sofa. He pours cooked whine to all of us. When he place the empty jug on the table he says: "You greedy teenagers, we drunk all the wine we brought on first night!" Which make us all chuckle again. Yeah, we are pretty much drunk already. As we sip our last glass Alice and Edward share their memories on this cottage with their family. How Renee once broke her leg on that damn staircase and has refused to ever come here again. How another time they spent 3 hours just raking off the snow from the driveway and front door just to get in the house and some more.

As I finish my drink and wiped the tear from the corner of my eye, I decide it's time for me to go sleep.

„I don't think the evening will get any better than it already had, so I will head to bed." It's three in the morning. I know I will be tired tomorrow, if I don't get a good portion of sleep anytime soon.

„Yeah, it's pretty good idea." Jasper agrees and is followed by common agreement. We manage to get dressed into our pyjamas and wash as much as is possible with limited space and so many people.

I climb the stairs, the evil stairs, with the speed of drunken turtle, so I can freeze upstairs again. Where to lie? I shouldn't have been the first one here . . . But there is no one in sight, so I contemplate. I don't want to sleep near Jasper – I don't know him _that _well. And I don't want to be near Tanya, she freaks me the hell out. I don't mind sleeping close to Edward or Alice, but how to ensure that? I decide to approach the furthest end of the bed-row. There will be only one neighbour in my bed this way, it's fifty-fifty, so let's hope statistics will like me. I hop under the covers and wait. I hear talk and steps on the stairs. Few seconds later, I hear murmuring in the room.

„I am still up, you can talk normally." I state with closed eyes.

**EPoV**

„I don't want to sleep near her, you invited her." I state boldly as we are claiming the stairs.

„She is our friend Edward! You haven't anything against her so far."

But I have from now on. „She acted weirdly today. She is giving me these looks as if trying to seduce me or something. She is freaking the hell out of me." I almost whine.

„She won't dry hump you in your sleep! And don't you think even for a second I will let her sleep near Jasper." She glares at me.

„And I don't want her to sleep near Bella." I glare at her too.

"Oh my god Edward. Like a BABY! Really..." Yes, I broke her.

„I am still up, you can talk normally." Bella interrupts us. I hope she hasn't understood what we spoke about.

„We were just talking about the sleeping arrangement. Would you be too opposed if Edward sleep by your side?" Alice asks and my eyes almost pop out.

„Alice" I hiss.

„No, of course not, I wouldn't mind Edward nor you."

„Oh Alice, this is soo wrong..." I accuse her silently.

„This is the only solution, unless you want Jasper to lay by her side." She looks at me pointedly.

„Not that I do have anything against it. But I don't think she wouldn't feel very comfortable with that."

„Of course Edward, of course..." She winks at me and laughs. _Nice Edward. Nice._

Alice turns off the lights and I approach the beds. I crawl through them until I reach Bella. _At least we have 5 duvets_. I lie down under the covers and lie on my back.

„Hey love, where should I lie?" Jasper voice is heard in the dark.

„Come here sunshine, you will lie between Edward and I. And Tanya will sleep on the other side of me. Jasper crawls to his spot and make himself comfortable.

„Edward, please be gentle, I am new to this whole experience." Jasper tells me with that fake gay accent. Alice giggles and I just roll my eyes. „Of course Jazz, I am always gentle with the new-borns." I say chuckling after a while. I am rewarded with feeling Bella laughing quietly beside me too.

„Heeey kids, you should have been asleep already." Tanya imitates an annoyed parent, which throws us off the edge again. All of us laugh whole-heartedly, until she joins us in the bed too. After we calm down sincere „Good nights" fill the room and then there is silence only.

I lie there for a while, watching the ceiling. I close my eyes, but the sleep is not coming. My habits take over me and I turn on my side reflexively. I feel the bed moving and a sweet smell invades my mind. I open my eyes and see her face in the light of the moon shining from behind the window. I smile. How beautiful she is. How different she looks from the first time I saw her. She was beaten up. Lifeless. Pale. Now she has blush in her cheeks. Her skin is glowing. Her lips are smiling more regularly. Her eyes gained some life too.

She opens her eyes and catches me watching her. She furrows her brows and mouths „creeper". I laugh. She chuckles too.

„Silence there," someone accuses me. I smile apologetically.

„Hi." I mouth.

„Hi." She mouths too.

I look in her deep brown eyes and I see hope in them. I see that she looks forward to another day. It's not a burden for her anymore.

Her eyes falter several times, until they close for the night finally. I watch her few more minutes as if to burn the sight in my head. A few moments before I fall to sleep too, I feel her hand clasping mine. I look at her for the last time so I can see if she is awake. Her eyes are closed, she is dreaming with a small smile on her lips, holding my hand.

I fall asleep . . . pleased.

~8~8~**~8~8~

**APoV**

As I jump off the bed I catch a glimpse of their hands. They are so perfect for each other. I hope they solve this sooner than later. I look at Jasper and see his worry. He doesn't share the same view on this, but I know he can't repress the romantic in him. Psychologist, or not. He feels there is something in between them too.

~8~8~**~8~8~

**EPoV**

„Are you insane? They can throw you out from the association! They can sue you!" Tanya is in my face.

„What are you talking about?" I drag her aside.

„What am I talking? Are you serious? You and Bella! Are you aware that your whole career is at stake?"

„My career? What the fuck are you talking about?" Alice shouldn't have invited her!

„Oh my god, don't play this one on me. I am just trying to warn you. I see how she reacts to you, how she feels about you. But don't be ridiculous. You know it's because you are her psychologist for Christ sake! You can't use her trust like that. I know you know the truth. You see she has just idealized you as her hero. You. Can't. Be. With. Her." She repeatedly pokes her finger into my chest.

„Are _you _insane? Do you have a jealousy tantrum or what are you talking about? There is nothing between us! It was Alice's idea to call her over her, not mine!" I almost scream at her.

„I am not jealous! I tried to seduce you to see how you feel about her. And I saw you have it bad for her! You think I haven't seen her holding your hand in the morning? And how casual you were towards each other yesterday evening? I can't believe you are believing your own bullshits." She shakes her head disapprovingly. I don't know what to tell her.

„Edward," she looks in my eyes with pity „you know she is not in love with you. You know her feelings aren't based on who you are. She doesn't know you! You might have true feelings for her, but that doesn't change anything. You have to deal with it and let her go. She can't be with you. You can't be with her. If you really want to help her heal, you have to set her free from you." Her words stab me in my heart, but I know she is right.

**BPoV**

I wake up to the empty room in the morning. I guess everyone is up already then. I shuffle my eyes and head for the living room. The breakfast is already prepared, waiting on the table for me to eat it. My wistful look at the fancy meal is momentarily distracted by angry voices coming from the kitchen. I look around and spot Edward and Tanya in heated conversation. I look questioningly back to the living room. Jasper and Alice are on the loveseat in warm embrace, watching some morning show. They just shrug their shoulders and cuddle further. I decide it's not the time yet for me to ruin my day, so I decide to plop in the armchair and eat.

Although I try my best to keep good mood and fun in this place of heaven, I am failing miserably. After Tanya and Edward finished whatever they were talking about, he started to behave very strangely. He hasn't spoken to me unless I addressed him specifically. He also decided not to join us in an afternoon walk around the place, which caused another heated conversation, but with Alice this time. I was, of course, kept in the dark about what the hell is going on again.

The rest of the day I spent with Jasper and Alice, walking around the woods, chatting, building a snowman and just having a good time.

"Why did you ride up here with Edward and I when you could have rode with Jasper?" A question pops in my head. Alice intertwines our arms and explains. "Jasper and Tanya were in a conference in Port Angeles together, so they headed right in here from there." That makes sense."She is a psychologist too?" I ask intrigued. She laughs.

"Actually, she is. It's awesome being in a house with three shrinks, isn't it?" _Just great. _So let's move on to the more complicated questions.

_"_Why doesn't Tanya like me? I don't know, shouldn't the psychologist be the one to try to understand you, to not give in to the first impression, or however I got into her "dislike" zone?" Alice's smile falter.

"I am sorry you feel like she doesn't like you. It's not the truth. She just tries to protect her family, to protect Edward."

"Protect him from whom? From me?" I stop in my steps. There is warm hand around my shoulders. Jasper appears on my other side and we reassume our walk.

"She tries to protect Edward from himself. He should be the responsible her, he is responsible for both of you while you are in treatment. She doesn't have anything against you. She just tries to open Edward's eyes so he sees clearly." Jasper tries to defend her. I am more confused.

"But have I done something wrong? Has Edward done something wrong?" I am alarmed suddenly.

"Well, yes and no. He is very close to overstepping his duties." Jasper answers, but I still don't get what it's all about.

"Bella, honey." Alice stops and looks in my eyes. "Just forget about it right now. I am sure Edward will bring up the topic when the time comes. Don't make any wrinkles on that cute face of yours because of that right know. Let's just enjoy the time we have left here. Won't we? It's my birthday, anyway! So I am the only one who can be pissed at how those two behave right now!" She tries to look sad, but she fails miserably. Instead she gives us a radiant smile. _I have an idea._

"Will you close your eyes for a second?" I ask Alice with big pleading eyes. I know she won't resist. She watches me intently but give up shortly.

"But don't you dare to throw snow at me!" She speaks with closed eyes already.

"No worries shorty." I drag Jasper aside, where I explain him my intention. He is pleased.

Few minutes later we are done.

"Love, open your eyes." Jasper says and we both start singing.

"Happy birthday too you, happy birthday too you, happy birthday dear Aaaliice, happy birthday too you." We stand in front of her, with the cake made out of snow, decorated with M&M's and 10 matches sticked in it, slowly burning out.

Alice had tears in her eyes immediately, clasping her hands approvingly.

"Let's make a wish before there isn't a candle to blow out." She looks me in the eyes and blows all of them at once.

"Thank you. I love you, both." She says sincerely and embraces us both in a warm hug. When she releases us I throw away the matches from the cake I still hold in my hands and say:

"So let's get rid of the tears in our eyes and have some more fun, shall we?"

"Yes please!" She smiles.

"If you say so." I smile too and throw the whole snow cake into her face.

"You did not!" She launches at me and we fall together into the snow, where Jasper joins us in a second too. We are thoroughly wet in a few minutes but having fun like little kids.

The fairy-tale is over however as soon as we walk the door later. There is this tension you can almost touch hanging around. Alice and Jasper decide to cook us delicious lasagna. I am frozen to bones by the chill outside, so I decide to take a shower meanwhile.

After a polite conversation between the three of us during the dinner, leaving Edward and Tanya to their own thoughts, we settle to watch a movie and call an early night. Since I showered already, I only brush my teeth, claim the stairs and jump into my spot. I cover myself in the duvet from tip to toe, eager to find the desired sleep. I watch the moon behind the window while the rest of us take their places. I feel the bed shifts by my side, but I don't give it a second thought. There is a common "good night" again as if the day wasn't as weird as it was.

I turn myself on the side with my face to Edward. I open my eyes and see him looking at me again. I don't understand him. He ignored me all day long, so why is he doing this again? I mouth „creeper" again anyway. He smiles slightly and reaches his hand to my cheek. He moves his thumb across my cheek several times and mouth „sorry". Suddenly he freezes and his expression is shocked. He hides his hand immediately under the covers. I am confused. Again. He is looking at me with the same look Tanya was giving me the whole week. _Trying to figure me out. _I have had enough of it, so I turn around in the bed.

~8~8~**~8~8~

I wake up in the middle of the night because I am hot. The hotness is radiating from around my torso. The covers store the heat so good. I try to move to let some air under them, but I can't. I open my eyes to see what's holding me when I recognize hand around my stomach, attached to a body pressed against my back. I feel warm breath and cold nose on the back of my neck. I turn my head just a bit to see a familiar hair. _Edward._ He is so confusing. _But who am I to judge?_ I snuggle closer to him. I feel comfortable. I feel safe. I take his hand in my own and keep it closer to my heart. I fall asleep immediately.

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I would really appreciate, if you share some of your thoughts with me.


	7. Delighted

bla bla and enjoy :)

and thanks to Bryar for beta-ing! :)

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**7. Delighted**

**_EPoV_**

I couldn't help myself. It was as if I was loosing control over myself as soon as I was within arms reach of her. That's why I didn't give it a second thought when I felt the urge to touch her. I just reached my hand and cupped her cheek lightly, letting my thumb to feel her soft skin.

My conscious catches up quickly though and I hide my hand under the covers immediately.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? What am I doing?_

I search her eyes for panic, or any sign of distress caused by my previous action, but I find nothing. Her gorgeous eyes were not filled with surprise nor anger or sadness. All they communicate is an unspoken question. _'What is going on?'_

I know she is lost by my behavior, just as I am lost by my own surprising actions. _But does that mean she actually enjoyed it? Did she enjoy my touch? The feel of my fingers on her soft, flawless skin? Does she feel the same about me as I do about her? And if so, is it just the damn effect of the treatment? _I tried to find all the answers in her eyes. Unsuccessfully.

Her eyes suddenly change from curiosity to anger. Some serious thought must have passed through her mind. Because she directs the anger in her beautiful doe-like eyes in my direction. Then she rolls over and turns her back to me. _I somehow fucked up, again._

I close my eyelids and hope for redemption. I want the numbness only sleep can provide. I almost find it.

_Almost._

I open my eyes, defeated. I won't find the desired sleep yet, apparently. What should I do now? I am looking at Bella's back for a second until my hand find it's own will again. My fingers brush the fabric of her tank top softly and I immediately ache for more.

_Is she asleep? It seems as if she is. _

I tentatively reach my hand towards her hair and brush it aside from her neck. She smells divine. I brace my head with my arm to be more comfortable. I lay a finger on her neck and move it inch by inch around her frame, above her tank top, until I reach her shoulder. I spent some time there, drawing little circles on the naked flesh. Then after a while I move further. On my way down her arm I can feel her goose bumps.

_Is she awake? I don't know which option I should hope for..._

Anyway, if she is awake after all, she doesn't let me know. I reach her little hand finally. Her small fingers lost in my big hand immediately. But I want to feel more of her. I ache for more. I intertwine our fingers, one by one, as not to wake her up. But I almost have a heart attack, when she suddenly squeezes my hand lightly.

_I am fucked._

She loosens her grip on my hand and turns around to face me. I don't dare move an inch; terrified of what will happen now that she has caught me.

I see fascination in her eyes. She mirrors my body by lifting her head and supporting it with her hand. Then she slowly lifts her hand to my face. I close my eyes, as she burrows her fingers into my hair.

_I can't believe it's happening._

I feel her thumb brush over my temple. I sigh with delight. She moves down my neck, my shoulder, my arm. She is showing me she was awake the whole time. I open my eyes and watch her closely as she intertwines our fingers and squeezes them lightly again. She takes our joined hands to her face and strokes her cheeks with the back of my hand, looking right in my soul during it all.

_I want to kiss her._

I release her hand and cup her cheek. I move closer to her and she lays on her back in response. She is watching me the whole time. Her eyes are speaking volumes.

_She wants this as badly as I do._

I move an inch closer and I feel her breath getting quicker. I move another inch and the goose bumps are all over her again. An inch further she closes her eyes in anticipation and I am not able to stop myself anymore.

_As if I ever was._

I plant a chaste kiss on her little nose; another one on her left cheek, until I finally approach her slightly parted lips. I brush my lips there once, twice. They are wet and warm and so inviting. I kiss her upper lip and give the same treatment to the lower one. The need is overwhelming and I crush my lips into hers. Her hand tugs my hair roughly, while we are lost in eager kissing. As it gets more heated, I lay my left leg in between hers to get a better access. I hoover above her body as I move to explore her neck and collarbone with my mouth. Her breasts are pressing into my chest from breathing so heavily.

_My dick is fully awake._

As I contemplate how to get this annoying t-shirt out of my way a sudden wave of reality hits me. I turn my head to see three sleeping, unaware, figures a short distance away. I bow my head in my lack of luck, with that move effectively burrowing my head in her breast. I lift my head again and look into her questioning eyes. I look in the direction of others and whisper to her ear: "We have to be more discrete." I lick the flesh behind her ear, while I am so close. She nods silently and waits for my next move.

I shove her duvet aside and cover both of us with mine, tip to toe. We lay both on our sides, my leg in between hers, with our noses touching. I can't taste her with my mouth this way, but I can feel her with my hand at least. That must be enough for tonight.

We are kissing tenderly, trying not to make a lot of noise. While our hands, hidden in the privacy that covers provided are compensating the lack of desire on surface. Her hand is exploring my naked flesh - my abs, my chest, my chest hair; while my hand is concentrated around her breasts. I move higher and higher along her ribcage until I finally reach the holy place under her breast. I graze over the area several times with my thumb until her breath hitches when my thumb finally brushes over her breast. Her head is thrown back in pleasure as my fingers move around the swollen flesh to find her perked nipple. As I reach the tip, her pant is muffled by my groan. Our mouths work in unison while I make love to her breasts with my hand.

I am totally lost in our heated exchange when her hand suddenly wakes me up by being behind my waistband. I open my eyes to find her smiling mischievously at me. I shook my head, but who am I to say no to this women?

While her fingers slip behind my boxers, I press my thigh in between her legs to put some pressure onto her wet sex. I brush my thigh several times above the sensitive spot, which makes her a bit frantic. Her hand squeezes my butt, while mine moves to her back and descent slowly to the new area of desire. I reach her waistband and play around with my finger, but my thigh has another mission on its own. I feel her focus fading, her touches are loosing grip as the waves of pleasure invades her mind. Her breath goes heavier and heavier with each move but suddenly her hand is on my dick and I freeze.

"Pleeeease." She purrs only.

_As if I was able to stop now._

My hand travels from around her butt, to the more sensitive flesh underneath the butt cheeks. I continue on her thigh until I reach her knee. I grasp her leg there and shove it up around my waist so I have better access to her leaking pussy. She pumps my shaft two, three times, and if there were no people around I would have been inside of her in this minute.

_But they are here..._

My hand replaces my thigh in a second instead. Her sex is leaking in anticipation of what will come. First I just explore the area lightly with my fingers. Grazing above her naked flesh, pressing now and then just to see her response. She slows her moves too, but she gets frustrated quickly and set the pace she wants with her hand on my dick.

We work in sync. She moves I move. She hold it tightly, I gives more pressure. She invades my mouth with her tongue aggressively, I invade her pussy with my fingers in response.

In a flash of consciousness I cover our heads in covers just to be as quiet as humanly possible in this state of ignition.

Three fingers in her pussy and I don't know how many strokes of her skilled hand and we find our release together. I feel her walls squeeze my fingers tightly, while I am pressing her most sensitive bundle of nerves. We pant heavily under the covers until we catch our breaths again.

Our foreheads are pressed together as we enjoy the last moments of our excitation. I take my hand out of her, already missing the closeness, to hear her whimper about the loss. I lick them to clean the remains of our desire, so I can cup her cheek again. I find her mouth and kiss her tenderly to show her my devotion. That's when I realize she hasn't released my penis yet.

_Oh no, the jizz has to be all over her hand . . . and bed . . . and t-shirt. This will not go unnoticed. _

"Fuck." I mutter. I pull off the duvet from above our head to see her worried expression.

"The jizz, it has to be all over the place," I whisper. Her response takes me by surprise because she just smiles smugly and points with her head down to the spoken place. I lift the covers to see her hand holding my cock with my own t-shirt. The said t-shirt thus serving effectively as a catcher of spoken jizz. I smile widely and look up at her. "You never cease to amaze me love." I whisper and give her one more kiss. I awkwardly manage to take off the t-shirt and expose it to the ground on Bella's side. Hopefully nobody finds it until one of us wake up.

We make ourselves comfortable in a warm embrace and devote some more time for cuddling, until the sleep invades our lids.

My sight falters several times. When I open my eyes for the last time, I find out Bella turned her back to me again.

_That won't work love._

I scoop her from behind, to have her as close to me as possible.

_Screw the others in the morning._

She wiggles lightly and scoops closer to me too. She takes my hand in hers and presses them to her chest.

_She wants this too. Screw the others. Screw the psychologist association. It's different than they think. It's different..._ I think at last.

~OO~

I jolt awake panicked. The t-shirt. I look around franticly to locate the condemning evidence, but I can't find it.

_I am fucked_, I think. I look around to see everyone sleeping. _So where the fuck is the t-shirt?_ I hear my heart beating as if I was running a marathon. I turn to Bella and shake her slightly.

"Bella... Bella!" I whisper-shout. "Bella, love." I shake her one more time. She opens her eyes reluctantly. Those big brown eyes...

"Something happened?" She asks innocently.

"The t-shirt is gone! Where is it?" I ask frustrated about her lack of action.

"T-shirt? Which one?" She places herself in the sitting position, rubbing her eyes in the process. I want to embrace her with warm kisses immediately, but there are more important things now.

"Mine! The one I slept in. The one you... you know..." I whisper and try to remind her about our last night with my eyes. She just looks at me as if I am insane. She reaches her hand towards me and I think for a second she just want to touch my cheek, but she goes lower. _Does she want to touch my dick?_ But I am wrong again.

"I don't know" she tries to mimic my 'eye signals', "but did you mean this t-shirt Edward?" She asks amused by my sanity, while grasping the hem of the t-shirt I am wearing.

_Oh no!_ Is all I think when I crush myself into the duvet...

_It was a fucking dream!_

_

* * *

Haha :D_


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